Who do you owe your childhood to? Molly Ringwald? Michael J. Fox? Corey Feldman? Corey Haim? John Cusack? Emilio Estevez? Judd Freaking Nelson? No! It's Anthony Michael Hall, you inconsiderate vulgarian! You owe your childhood to that redheaded goober, but you've never thanked him for his fine work.
It's high time you started showing some damn support for Anthony Michael Hall, you son of a bitch.
Did you ever thank him for playing "Rusty" in "National Lampoon's Vacation"? How about the 1980s cult classics like "The Breakfast Club", "Sixteen Candles", and "Weird Science"? You never thanked him for any of those, did you? You probably never even watched him on Saturday Night Live in the mid-80s, when his career was going all Feldman. I thought as much. Well, he was terrible on SNL, but that isn't the point, now is it?
These days, Anthony Michael Hall has been reduced to taking supporting roles in movies like Tom Green's "Freddy Got Fingered", and the made-for-TV movie, "Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story". I hope you're happy. Anthony Michael Hall is living in a studio apartment in Compton, and every night he sleeps in pee.
Lucky for you, ungrateful reader, there's still hope. Anthony Michael Hall has given you one last chance. Last Tuesday, the TNT original movie "Pirates of Silicon Valley", from 1999, came out on DVD. It's a movie about the early years of Microsoft and Apple, and Anthony Michael Hall stars as Bill Gates. He would like you to purchase or at least rent his DVD, and if you don't, then may the Sweet Lord™ have mercy on your soul.
Haven't you hurt him enough? Would it kill you to watch his movie? I watched it just yesterday, and it was delightful. Some actors might choose to portray Bill Gates as a human being with good and bad sides, but not Anthony Michael Hall. He made a different choice, my friend. He made a better choice. He chose to portray Gates as if he were a villain on a children's Saturday morning TV show.
"I'm Bill Gates, and I'll pulverize you with my megabytes ray!"
That's not a line from the movie, but if it were, the movie would be freakin' awesome.
Not that it isn't. You'd think a movie about computer companies would be boring, but the story is quite interesting, to see how everyone steals from everyone, and to see the craziness these two "boring" guys got into back in the day. What could be more fun than seeing a young Bill Gates living out of a hooker-infested motel and smashing his friend's car with a bulldozer? What about seeing a young Steve Jobs from Apple get punched in the face by his own employees?
Along with the good storytelling, the "acting" in this movie is so comical, you'd be doing yourself a disservice by not seeing it. But not Anthony Michael Hall, dear reader. He shines like a beacon of mediocrity glory, just like during his heyday in the 1980s.
Pirates of Silicon Valley. Rent it today, folks. Rent it and save your vile 80s soul.
