In Preparation of Rocking And/Or Rolling

It's Friday, and I'm getting ready to spend next week rock and/or rolling at Summerfest in Milwaukee. I'll head to Dahmer-town Monday night, and will stay until Thursday morning. This should be an interesting experiment for daily ramblings.

Tuesday's column will be my first report from the music festival. Just to give fair warning, the columns may get updated to the site until 3 or 4 a.m., and possibly not until the early morning. You see, in order to give you the most current comedy information, like how awful the Indigo Girls sounded (they're playing on Monday night, and I'm planning on mocking them and their fans with extreme prejudice), I'll have to come back from the festival around 1 a.m. and write the column then. Hopefully, I can connect my laptop to the internet through the phone line at the hotel. Otherwise, I'll have to go to Kinko's early in the morning.

It's hard being a man who's soon going to be rock and/or rolling. I have to work all weekend, so I will have very little time to prepare. One needs to prepare when they are going to be doing the level of hardcore rock and/or rolling that I will be.

Why the "and/or" with the rocking and the rolling? Well, sometimes you rock (Green Day's recent concert in Minneapolis), sometimes you roll (Wilco at last year's Summerfest), sometimes you rock and roll (James Brown's performance at last year's Summerfest), and sometimes you stand in the back and yell "Take off your shirt and daaaaaaaaance, womaaaaaaaaan!" at the band members (Indigo Girls performance on Monday).

You have to choose when to rock and/or roll. One cannot just start rocking at a Five For Fighting concert, or begin rolling at a Metallica performance. One must choose the rocking and/or rolling carefully, and then balance their rocking and/or rolling to perfection, so as not to rock improperly or roll unfavorably.

Speaking of Metallica, I'd like to stop and mention that there's no better feeling than the one you get while downloading pirated Metallica songs off the internet. The thought of it making them angry or perhaps even causing them to miscount while calculating their gigantic gold bins of money is just delightful. Personally, I don't even like Metallica. I think their music sucks. A deer tinkling into a stream has a more original sound than anything they've ever done. I just like the "Robin Hood snorting coke" feeling I get from adding to their misplaced and undeserved misery.

Feel free to quote me on that.

But let's talk about Summerfest. Those wondering what bands I'll be seeing (and possibly writing about) can check my schedule here. I'll also be visiting the profanity restaurant (can't remember the name of it–George something–but I know where it's located), the Water Street Brewery (raspberry weiss beer is in season . . .), and any other interesting things I can find.

By day, when I'm not rocking and/or rolling, I will search for a homeless person to interview. That would be a nice grand finale for Friday's column.

So you see how nice this is? You only have to sit through one more hideously-uninspired column before you can start reading hideously-uninspired columns from Milwaukee. Oh, and by the way, I'm adding an extra to this column: an editorial I wrote in this week's issue of the new newspaper I work for. It's not a comedy piece, but some people may enjoy it.