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This business has gone far enough, young reader!

original print date, September 9 2005

                Paul Ryan

Reader, let's sit down and talk. No, no. Have a seat. There'll be time to be with your friends later. I just saw a photograph on the internet, and I'd like to discuss it with you. I know how you are, and the way your sense of humor works, so I think you know exactly what I'm concerned about.

Did you give Jamie Lynn Spears a baseball to autograph?

I don't care who did it. I don't care whether it was you or one of your so-called "clever" friends. That's not the point. We've all done inconsiderate things that seemed funny at the time. The point is for you to know that it was wrong. Honestly, reader. What did you expect to gain from humiliating this poor girl? Sweet Lordy, she probably doesn't even know what a baseball is. She's from Louisiana, she's blonde, and her sister Britney Spears is a pop singer. You know as well as I do that the poor girl has three strikes against her intelligence already. Making her look foolish by asking her to autograph sporting equipment is just plain cruel.

Try being nice for a change! You know her sister's rise to fame has made Jamie Lynn so desperate to be noticed that she'll sign anything you hand her. Why did you give her a baseball to sign? That's just ludicrous. Honestly reader, Jesus sends people to hell for things like that.

How would you like it if your IQ was lower than your pants size, and I walked up to you at some public event and gave you a tampon to sign? You wouldn't like that very much, would you? Or maybe you would. I swear, your sense of humor is so twisted that I can't imagine what horrible thing you'll do to embarrass me next. I'm just . . . I . . . I can't . . .

*begins sobbing*

Why do you do these things to me?! You know how rough things have been since your mother left! Do you hate me? Is that why you're acting out like this? I slave all day to clean this house so we won't look like a family of garbage-eating whores, and this is how you repay me? By mocking Pedo-spears and embarrassing me?

How do you think Jamie Lynn's mother feels? The poor woman already has to deal with Britney, the pregnant sluthound hick daughter who refuses to bathe. Now, thanks to you, she also has to worry about her younger daughter signing baseballs like a retard the local ballteam locked inside their equipment shed. Readers can be cruel, but I will not allow my readers to act this way. Do you understand me? Am I clear?

I don't think you're taking me seriously. That's it! No more b-list celebrities for a month! You'll have to play your witty little jokes on comedian Kathy Griffin and Saved By The Bell's Mario Lopez. Who will notice them then, huh reader? WHO WILL NOTICE YOUR TRICKS THEN? No one, that's who.

Someday you'll realize I'm doing this for your own good. Pedo-spears may be pushing her luck by forcing her underarm flesh into some form of weird cleavage, but you're not going to become a good, honest person by making a habit of trampling on others. You'll thank me for this, reader.

Especially when Jamie Lynn turns 18, and you get caught buying her Strawberry Boone's Farm in a lame attempt to sleep with her. I just hope she'll have pity on you when the handicap is in her favor.


(Hand chosen by Paul)
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