Have you ever thought up something funny, but forgotten it later and wished you had written it down? I don't, because I always write every stupid thing down. Some of the funnier thoughts become columns here, but sometimes the ideas are too limited or stupid, and get filed away in my desk, never to be found again.
Well, almost never to be found again. Updates to this site have been slow or nonexistent lately because I'm moving in with my brother in Burnsville. Moving and cleaning my old apartment in La Crosse has been a difficult process, but not an entirely worthless one. While trying to figure out what to throw away, I found at least 50-60 little post-it notes and sheets of notebook paper in my desk, all with supposedly "funny" things I'd thought up over the last four years.
All of them are random and weird. I've only gone a few, but here's some of the highlights so far:
- This elevator is slower than the second coming of Christ.
- Bob's mom always tries to kiss him goodbye on the lips. She's getting old and senile, and sometimes he fears she's going to slip him the tongue. How about we try handshakes, mom?
- San Francisco trip. McDonald's bathroom full of hobos. Walked around block, tall guy hocked loogie for like 30 seconds before actually spitting.
- I bought a big bag of oregano, but I got pissed because it turned out to be heroin. That oregano dealer screwed me, man. Dinner was ruined.
- Man #1: "I'm gonna tear you a new asshole!"
Man #2: "That would be a nice change. Usually you just suck me off."
Man #3: (Overdone look of feigned comedic surprise)
- See the happy moron,
happier than any man.
I wish I was a moron.
Wait, maybe I am.
- I'm Irish. We're angry, red-faced men with alcohol problems and oversized heads. We're like superheroes, except our powers hinder our performance.
- If Stephan Hawking is so smart, why doesn't he teach himself how to walk?
- When you graduate from college, popularity becomes moot. What the hell are we supposed to base our lives on now? Learning to love to work?
- My hair is disheveled
from the strong wind.
When I get home
the mirror will show
the wild-haired genius
I've always wanted to be.
- Plenty milk from cow, laughing cause lots milk money for everyone. [Editor's note: I have no freaking clue what this means.]
- The way he smells, you'd think he forgot to pull down his pants when he went to the bathroom.
Last but not least, here was the strangest/most obvious note I found: "Porn can be comical".
