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This is where I live

original print date, September 14 2005

                Paul Ryan

As most of you already know, I moved in with my brother in Burnsville, MN this week. It's cool to be living in a house again, and great to be living in an urban area, but there's a few things I'm creeped out about.

One of them is my room in the unfinished basement of the house.

It's inexpensive, it's spacious, it's only for five months, and did I mention it's inexpensive? But damn, look at those walls. Apparently, someone was murdered in the corner where my bed is located. Also, I'm afraid the yellow insulation in the ceiling is going to fall in my mouth while I'm sleeping. I typed "yellow insulation eat while asleep" into Google, but nothing came up. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Also, I'm concerned that I'll be eaten by giant spiders at some point in the near future.

Rumor has it that people swallow many spiders each year in their sleep. The tiny spiders crawl in or near a person's mouth, and are sucked in and consumed. If this is true, then I'll be eating so many spiders in my sleep each night that I won't need to eat breakfast in the morning.

I'm not afraid of spiders, per se, but I'd scream like a frail woman if one ever crawled onto my face. In the next five months, I'd say there's a very good chance that at some point, I'll be screaming like a frail woman.

One of the cool things about this room is I may be able to swing from one end of it to the other using the cord hanging from the room's sole light bulb. Perhaps that's what caused the dark stains in the corner. Someone swung themselves too hard and went splat.

No matter what, I can't complain too much. As I said, it's cheap, it's better than living with my parents, and there's a full-sized refrigerator filled with beer at the edge of the room. Becoming an alcoholic has never been easier, and I appreciate that.

Once I get pictures hung on the wall, the bleeding concrete blocks may even fit in with my little pseudo punk rock style. The only problem that truly concerns me is that no woman will ever want to sleep with me in this room. Not unless I get them very drunk first.

Wait, what am I saying? I always have to get them really drunk first anyway. Never mind! Problem solved.


(Hand chosen by Paul)
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