As you read these words, I'm working at a construction site. Well, unless you're an early riser who reads this before 5 am, at which point I'll still be sleeping. Or unless you're reading this between 5:30-6:30 am, when I'll be driving to work instead of actually working. Or unless you read this from 3-4 pm, at which point I'll be home from work and in the shower, and you should mind your own damn business and leave me the hell alone for some damn peace and damn quiet while I take a damn shower goddamn it I swear to God don't make me upset today it's my first damn day of work you inconsiderate moop. Or unless you read this after 4 pm, when I'll be drinking straight bourbon to make the intense soreness go away after my first day of physical work in four years.
Okay, fine. My first day of real work ever.
But other than those times, I'll totally be working at a construction site. Except when I'm on one of my 15-minute breaks. Or my lunch break. Or a bathroom break. Or a "catcalling after sexy ladies who happen to be walking past the construction site" break. Or one of 75 other contractually obligated union breaks I get over the course of each day. I might also get fired the first day for being a weakling, at which point I'll be sitting at home reading the Marmaduke and Garfield books I checked out from the library.
Ha ha! Marmaduke thinks he's people!
But other than those times and circumstances, I'll definitely be working at a construction site.
Unless I'm dead. If that's the case, then I'll either be burning in hell or cruising around heaven with Jesus in a souped-up ice cream truck, with both of us drinking 40s of some super awesome Godly brand of malt liquor.
Wait. What's this column about again? Oh right, my new job. Today is my first day as a construction laborer. I'll be working this job until the last week of January, when I'll be moving to Los Angeles. Why move there? It's a long story, but let's just say sex with shallow women is so much more satisfying.
It isn't, but let's say it is so I don't have to keep talking to you.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'll be doing in this job, but I guess I'll find out. We'll be fixing up a hotel, so maybe I'll be smashing things, or building things, or cleaning up things, or measuring things before I smash or build them, or chopping up hookers so the police have a tougher time finding them in the dumpsters. For all I know, I might be getting paid to dance while the real construction workers throw bricks at me.
No matter what, I'll be happy to be making money again. This unemployment stuff is ridiculous. Every day I wake up at 10:30, lazily dress and shower and eat by 2, and at that point most of my day is wasted. So with this new laborer job, which I'll be working from 7-3 each day, the amount of free time I have will be almost the same. I'll just be making money now. That's a pretty good deal.
Well, it will be until I do something wrong and the entire hotel collapses on me.
