Prison, jail, fines: what do these things have in common? They're all ineffective forms of punishment for criminals. This country has so many repeat offenders, it's almost laughable. Rapists aren't hindered by probation, speeders don't care about fines, and jaywalkers barely blink an eye when forced to fellate an officer. What this country needs is a new form of punishment, something that will frighten repeat offenders into changing their ways.
Let's mess with their heads. Even if it doesn't work, it'll still be fun.
Humiliation and embarrassment are the only things people seem to be afraid of in modern society (outside of making money off humiliation through reality shows), so I have a proposal. Let's sentence the convicted to normal fines and jail sentences, but add a little spice as well. Let's force them to wear something embarrassing for one month.
Did that businessman cheat on his taxes? Make him dress like a mentally challenged boy, complete with an oversized helmet and "special boy" shoes that make him walk funny. Did that car fanatic just wake up an entire neighborhood by running his Impala without a muffler at 6 am? Make him dress like a woman, complete with makeup. Did that grumpy old man steal something? Make him wear a hip hop outfit that says "bitches" on it in sequins. Did that bigot just commit a hate crime against a gay person? Dress him like Rip Taylor or Condoleezza Rice.
People would be required to wear these outfits every day of their sentencing, no matter where they were. This includes at work, in front of their families, and in public with friends. Not only would this ensure people wouldn't offend again, it would also show everyone around the person that they committed a crime. It's hard to hide a drunk driving conviction from friends when you're forced to wear a gigantic dildo costume at all times.
These sentences would be enforced by everyday people like you, me, or Ted Danson. A website would be set up, and you could check current sentences in your area. If you saw a person out of their costume, you could report them, just like on America's Most Wanted.
"But Paul, forcing an old man to wear a penis costume is mean!" Put a sock in it, nancy. The only thing worse than someone breaking the law and causing headaches for other people is the whiners who support giving them a worthless sentence. It's time we made criminals actually work for redemption. It's time we made criminals feel shame and regret. It's time we made criminals really really entertaining for everyone else.
For instance, if I were caught urinating in public, like I am 30% of the time when I go to the bathroom, I would be fined and forced to wear a gigantic foam toilet costume. Then, when I hung around middle schools all day frightening the children and teachers, I'd be forced to wear pink spandex with hand-drawn pictures of Joan Rivers on it.
If you believe in this system, and you damn well should, please contact your political representatives. Our nation needs the discipline and the laughs.
