Dick: Hello, I'm Dick Carpenter . . .
Buck:. . . And I'm Buck Skelter. The Minnesota Vikings are taking on the Atlanta Falcons today, and the weather is beautiful. You couldn't ask for a warmer, more pleasant day outside.
Dick: We're playing in a dome, Buck. Pull your head out of your ass.
Buck: Eat my leavings, Dick. Speaking of dick leavings, how about Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick? Doesn't he allegedly have a scorching case of herpes?
Dick: Indeed he does, Buck. I believe he got it from a transvestite prostitute.
Buck: I love transvestites.
Dick: I know you do. It made the company Christmas party quite interesting.
Buck: I don't recall that particular evening.
Dick: Yes, just like how Vick didn't recall checking into the herpes hotel under the name "Ron Mexico". But let's get back to calling the game. It appears most of the pressure on Vick is coming from the defensive side of the ball.
Buck: That seems to be true with both teams, Dick, and I don't think it's a coincidence. The defenses are certainly trying to keep the offenses from scoring. Vick just handed off to running back Warrick Dunn, who was tackled immediately. Dunn certainly does a lot of running for this team, Dick.
Dick: That's true, Buck. The starting running back usually does spend a lot of time running the ball.
Buck: Also, both quarterbacks certainly seem to be good at throwing a football.
Dick: Good call, Buck. I didn't even think of that.
Buck: We'd better be careful not to wear ourselves out. Hey, let's forget about the game for a few minutes and annoy our television audience instead. Folks, for the next four minutes we're going to skip the play-by-play to promote the weakest sitcom in FOX's Sunday night lineup. Has "The War at Home" been canceled yet, Dick?
Dick: No, but it won't be long, Buck. What a horrible, rancid pile of failure. I'd rather watch a half-hour of George Wendt crapping in a cold metal bucket.
Buck: But what about the girl who plays the daughter in "The War at Home"? She's pretty hot, Dick.
Dick: Isn't she like 16 years old?
Buck: Age of consent, Dick. Age of consent.
Dick: That's just wrong, Buck.
Buck: I love a girl with braces, Dick.
Dick: Stop it! Stop it right now!
Buck: You know what I like to do when I'm getting my hog serviced? I like to climax in the woman's mouth without warning her. And when I do, I yell "Cannonbaaaaaaall!" and then I make an explosion noise with my mouth.
Dick: That . . . that doesn't even make sense, Buck. Cannonball? I . . . never mind. Just cut it out.
Buck: The key is the explosion noise, Dick. It isn't as funny if you don't do the noise as you're climaxing. And I'll tell you something, Dick. Are you listening?
Dick: Please stop.
Buck: If you're smart, you'll write this down and laminate it: If you're not going to make the explosion noise, then you're not very creative, and if you're not creative, you might as well give up and go back to shooting it in her hair while singing the Bonanza theme song. That's the trick I used to use, and it's old news! All the girls I've been with are expecting it!
Dick: Are these girls you're referring to at least legal, Buck?
Buck: Hell no! Haha!
Dick: Disgusting.
Buck: Hey look, Daunte Culpepper just fumbled the ball for the fourth time today. Should we keep blindly complimenting him regardless?
Dick: Of course! It's all we can do. It's not like we actually know anything about football, like radio announcers.
Buck: Haha! That's true, Dick. Us television announcers are all a bunch of brainless pedophiles.
Dick: Oh Christ.
