Do you suffer from constipation, white knuckles, racism, inflated breast glands, an ostrich penis, or unwanted anal fingering? Do your cankles glow in the dark? Do you find that your testicles are dropping further each year, until your scrotum looks like a rubber Halloween mask? Is your belly button filled entirely with semen?
How about your buttocks? Do you feel that some grand unknown power is forcing your buttocks to press together? Are your buttocks shaped like elongated melons, with bruises from constant mishandling? When you sit down and get up again, does the chair smell afterward?
Does castration sometimes give you a headache? When you see naked clowns performing lewd acts in a public restroom, do you tip them? If your fingers could talk and discuss their day, would they be talking about adjusting your balls a lot? Do your job applications get rejected because you constantly spill alcohol on them? Do you like monkeys in a way most people would consider disgusting and illegal?
Do you insist on wearing Dockers pants during intercourse? When it's cold out, do you force your wife to go outside and warm up your car for you? Did you perform 83 illegal abortions last year? Do you use the Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory line, "The snozberries taste like snozberries" as a crude pick-up line in bars? When you put on a sweatshirt, do people comment more on how fat you are?
Where do you hide excess printer ink cartridges? Down your pants? Are you sure? You're LYING!
Are your t-shirts wittier than you? Is your father half Nicaraguan, and your mother half drunk? Have you ever tried to use your own leather pants as a contraceptive? Silly putty: sexy or just convenient for copying comic strips? Osteoporosis: a myth or just plain fictional? Strippers or janitors? Amish men or Mormon women? Rogaine or Valtrex? Ribbed for her pleasure or so dry it hurts to use it? Both, perhaps?
Where is your mother at this time of night? Oh God, that's horrible.
Does your knee act up when it rains? Do people who follow Insane Clown Posse just seem kind of retarded to you? Why did you paint your house that color when you know it angers the Puerto Ricans? When you wear a mesh shirt, does your . . . YOU WEAR A MESH SHIRT??
Are you an inspector? Did you come to my house to inspect my furnace? What do you expect to find there? How rabid will the raccoons become when provoked? Do you accept unused pull tabs as payment?
Just tell your horse you couldn't fellate it because you were out getting stoned. Bestiality: My Anti-Drug.
