Judge Rizgar Mohammed Amin: Mr. Hussein, please state your name for the record.
Saddam Hussein: Why don't you just get it over with and kill me?
Judge: You haven't been proven guilty yet. Are you pleading guilty?
Hussein: No, I'm just saying, we all know how this is going to turn out. No matter what I do, you'll find me guilty and sentence me to death.
Judge: That's not true. This is a fair and civilized court, Mr. Hussein.
Hussein: Oh, come on! Osama could show up and admit to all the charges, and you'd find some reason to kill me anyway.
Judge: Sigh. Please state your name for the record, Mr. Hussein.
Hussein: Thomas Kinkade.
Judge: Stop that. State your real name.
Hussein: Thomas Kinkade! I am the painter of light! Buy my paintings and sofas!
Judge: Stop it!
Hussein: Okay, fine. I'll state my name. It's Judith Miller.
Judge: You are not Judith Miller.
Hussein: Ha ha! Of course not! She is a woman and women are bitches. The Koran says so, on page 32.
Judge: It does not!
Hussein: Why do you think we require full burkas? Because they are bitches! Years ago, we only wanted to make the actual bitches wear burkas, but then we realized that all women are bitches.
Judge: Sigh. I'll state your name for you. It's Saddam Hussein, former president of Iraq.
Hussein: Former? I am not deposed!
Judge: You were forced from office during the war with America. Your palaces were pretty much destroyed, remember?
Hussein: Is Al-Bazaar's Coffee Shop still on Fourth Street? They had good magloube.
Judge: Sorry, Mr. Saddam. I believe it was destroyed by a smart bomb.
Hussein: Damn it! Allah shall punish them! Smart bombs, fart bombs. They hit the good restaurants but not me or Osama. Real smart, these smart bombs.
Judge: Let's move on. How do you plead to the charges of murder, torture, forced expulsions, illegal detentions, and camel pleasuring?
Hussein: Well, I'm not . . . wait, you threw that last one in for fun, didn't you?
Judge: Yes! I did!
Hussein: Rascal!
Judge: Yes, I am!
Hussein: You crazy rascal, you know what you look like? I'm so sorry. This will sound crazy and mean, but you look like a Kurd! Sorry for the insult, my friend, but you do look like a Kurd!
Judge: I am a Kurd, Mr. Hussein.
Hussein: And you're the judge?
Judge: Yes.
Hussein: You're dry poking me, right?
Judge: I'm a Kurd.
Hussein: So I've probably killed thousands upon thousands of your people in the last 20 years or so?
Judge: Yeah.
Hussein: And you're the judge?
Judge: Yeah.
Hussein: Oh, come on! I told you this thing was rigged! Just hang me now, for the love of Allah!
Reporter: Mr. Hussein! How do you feel about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston splitting up?!? Who's fault was it?!?
Judge: Security, please remove the Entertainment Tonight reporter.
Reporter: Are Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson really staying together, Mr. Hussein?!?
Hussein: In Iraq, Jessica Simpson would have been fed to the dogs like a Shiite. I mean, I know I've got problems, but Allah, that girl is dumber than camel pudding.
Judge: Do you plead guilty or not guilty, Mr. Hussein?
Hussein: Not guilty!
Judge: Very well. Your next hearing will be Nov. 28. As you're led out of the room, would you care to rant incessantly while scuffling with the guards?
Hussein: I think I would.
Judge: Then so be it.
