Paul Ryan: Hey! Bernanke! Funny seeing you here at Carl's Jr!
Ben Bernanke: Yes, I like to compound our nation's interest rates here.
Paul: How about an interview?
Ben: You won't ask me about perverted things, will you?
Paul: Absolutely not! I'm a classy guy and you're a classy man, so I'll ask you classy questions. I promise you'll be asked nothing regarding fornication, anal fornication, heavy petting, the sick bird humper who caused the bird flu, or bestiality. Definitely not bestiality.
Ben: Sounds good. Let's get started.
Paul: Okay, question one. You've been known to view Alan Greenspan as a sort of idol, and you claim you're going to follow his policies pretty closely. So what I need to know is what's up with that beard? It's pretty typical for economists and people who work with money to have beards.
Ben: I don't quite follow you on that one. Very few people I've worked with have beards.
Paul: With all due respect, Mr. Bernanke, I think I have a little more experience in this area that you do.
Ben:. . .
Paul: So you follow Greenspan and you follow the trend of The Great Bearded Economists. My question for you is, why are you such a follower? Can't you think for yourself?
Ben: In order to lead, a person has to study those before him and learn from their experience.
Paul: Sure, but why can't you shave your stupid beard and think up your own economic policies? Why do you have to copy? "Studying" other people and "learning" from them? That sounds like something my dad would do.
Ben: Your dad must be a very intelligent man.
Paul: He's a twat*.
Ben: I'm sorry to hear that.
Paul: Oh, I'll bet you are, because you're just like him. You "studying" and "learning" and "able to do their own taxes" kind of twats all stick together.
Ben: Uh . . .
Paul: Why do I have to save money before I move to California, huh twat dad? Why can't I just save $30 and hop on a bus? I could do porno.
Ben: Well, I'm not . . .
Paul: Do you think I could do porno?
Ben:. . .
Paul: I'm not "gifted", but I could hold my own in a lineup.
Ben: I don't think . . .
Paul: A penis lineup, I mean. I'm talking about my penis.
Ben: I don't really want to talk about that.
Paul: Okay, here's a new question. Have you ever had sex with a duck?
Ben: No.
Paul: I think you're wrong.
Ben: I've never done that.
Paul: I have proof. A picture. (Hands him photo)
Ben: This is fake. You obviously just pasted my head onto another photo.
Paul: Nope. It's real. You're wrong. That's twice today you've been wrong.
Ben: The crudely cut out photo of my head is in black and white, and the photo you pasted it on is in color.
Paul: Uhhhh . . .
Ben: (Removes taped photo of his head) This is you fucking a duck.
Paul: Ha ha, but the joke's on you, because I just got you to say "fuck a duck"! You're crude and filthy! You say naughty things that children shouldn't hear! Bye-bye confirmation!
Ben: What kind of sick pervert are you?!? You took a picture of yourself violating a duck? Please tell me this is photoshopped.
Paul: Nope. That's the real deal. I own that duck, and according to Minnesota law, I may fuck it whenever I want.
Ben: I have to go.
*Not actually true. Comment used only for comedic effect.
