I've never been much of a ladies man or ladies vampire. In fact, I've never even sucked blood from a lady. It's time we face the facts. My hairstyle is a little gay, I've been known to suck a lot of people, and what I like to eat makes my fingers and tongue turn brown. But the lives of quiet b-list celebrities like myself aren't often scrutinized in Hollywood, so I've been able to avoid discussing this part of my personal life.
Until now, that is. The following photo was taken by the paparazzi last week, and has now been published in all the tabloids:
Everyone always knew Frankenberry was gay, but no one ever suspected me. Now I have no choice but to come out of the closet and admit that I also prefer the company of men. Monster men, that is. And no, that's not a reference to penis size.
So why would a sophisticated, high-class gay vampire like myself be attracted to a raging queen like Frankenberry? Well, I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I'm really turned on because he has an ass on his forehead. Where else can you find such easy access on both ends?
Frankenberry stays with me because, really, once you go black, you never go back. I'm brown, but it's close enough.
I've known I was different since I was a small vampire. While the other vamps dreamed about blood, I dreamed about chocolate. Hot, sticky, man chocolate. In a school where everyone wears a cape, you'd think people would be understanding towards a gay scat vampire, but they weren't. They mocked and teased me every day, asking me stupid things like, "Hey, do you suck crotches instead of necks?" Of course I suck crotches instead of necks! I'm a gay vampire, you idiots!
The mockery started including violence, and hence, my turn to the celebrity world. There's so many gay poop eaters in Hollywood, nobody even noticed me. Tom Cruise? Gay scat-fanatic. Val Kilmer? Gay and drinks pee. Rosie O' Donnell? Gay and likes flatulence. John Waters, director of "Pink Flamingos"? Do you even need to ask?
Even with the accepting community out here, I've still had my problems. Ever had a vampire give you a bj? Trust me, it's not comfortable. Ever tried to pick up men when your eyebrows are wild and unkempt? It's not easy. Also, eating too much cereal leaves the roof of your mouth feeling rough and irritated, which also turns people off.
Now, with this photo of Frankenberry and I, things are about to get worse. Damn the paparazzi! Damn them to hell! They've not only taken a picture of me with Frankenberry, but they've also compiled a feature article on how I repeatedly get turned down by The Count from Sesame Street. Do you believe that bastard would prefer Ernie over me? What does that leave me with? Burt? No thanks. My own eyebrows may be unkempt, but at least I'm courteous enough to get rid of the unibrow. I'd hate to see what the trim job is like down below. No wonder Ernie preferred to play with the rubber ducky.
Oh well. I guess there's nothing for Frankenberry and I to do but embrace people's fears. America may not be ready to understand gay men, but gay cartoon vampires that advertise brown-colored cereal should gain acceptance faster. And if not, the two of us will just move to Massachusetts, get married, and live on Cape Cod.
Please refrain from making jokes about how lesbians are more into the smell of fish. I've heard enough bad gay jokes this week.
