Dear Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper,
Thanks for refusing to slide after running with the ball, like an intelligent quarterback would have done. Now that you're injured for the rest of the season, I can stop watching the team. In fact, I'm going to start rooting for the team to lose so we can get the first pick in next year's draft. That's really all that's left.
When we get the first pick, we can draft USC quarterback Matt Leinart to replace you. He'll be a rookie, but even a rookie usually doesn't fumble and throw as many interceptions as you have this year. And last year. And pretty much every year you've played. I'm hoping we'll trade you at the end of the season for two decent offensive linemen and a first round draft pick, which at best would also get us USC running back LenDale White.
Oh, and thanks for giving Coach Mike Tice another excuse for doing poorly this season. Instead of being fired like he should be, he'll probably get another one year contract, sealing our doom next year. Culpepper, I remember when you were a rookie, and everyone said you were too stupid to be able to read the playbook. I'm glad you were able to draw pictures of our plays on your arms and hands, but I think your time here is about done. Come to think of it, can we trade you to Oakland and get Randy Moss back?
Dear Minneapolis City Pages newspaper,
I've watched for years as your alternative weekly mag has grown from nothing to something big. Sadly, I've also watched as the egos of your editors and writers have inflated along with your mag. Seriously, do you employ anyone who isn't a hipster glasses wearing, boho trend following, self-appointed wine expert? Or a middle-aged guy with a goatee who wears sunglasses frequently and scoffs at everyone? But to give kudos where it's due, your rag is pretty decent, at least for anyone who likes to read something that's 95% advertising.
Anyway, I guess I was wondering exactly how your hipster staff will stay hip and annoyingly arrogant now that your paper's parent company, Village Voice Media, has been bought by a larger company. Aren't you a little worried about them forcing you to be like their other so-called alt-weeklies, which have a glossy magazine-style, reject liberal and progressive viewpoints, and use syndicated movie reviews, arts coverage, and feature stories? How many of your staff will be laid off, and what will they do without a simple job writing one article per week?
Life's pretty rough, I guess. But that's what happens when you sell out to hippies in San Francisco, who then sell out to libertarians in Phoenix. I'll send you some wine.
Dear President George W. Bush,
I hate your choices. Every one of them. I haven't liked a single choice you've made since you became president. I've checked, and they've all been somewhere between slightly troubling and absolutely horrifying. Your latest three choices - Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Jr., support of a tax overhaul, and $7.1 billion for a friggin' bird flu plan that won't yield results until at least 2010 - are nauseating.
Firstly, Samuel Alito Jr. is a white male. We have enough of those on the Supreme Court. Let's represent some other races and genders on the highest court in the land, mmmm-kay? I'm kind of surprised you didn't nominate yourself. After that dolt Harriet Miers, would it have even been surprising? But seriously, this is the 21st century, and this Alito guy supports a woman needing her husband's permission for an abortion. Does Alito support beating a wife to keep her in line, too? No one will ask that question at the hearing, but they should. On the bright side, at least his daughter's hot.
Secondly, despite what cranky Americans with no common sense say, our tax system is not flawed. It's complicated, but guess what? It handles a million possible situations for 295 million citizens. It doesn't matter how you organize the tax system, it's always going to be complicated. Even if you remove all the deductions, credits and other tax breaks, you'll just have to replace them with something else. People need help, and our tax system needs to give that help to them. As a result, there's always going to be exceptions, loopholes, and major problems. Why are you creating more chaos during an already unstable time?
Thirdly, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? SEVEN BILLION FOR THE DAMN BIRD FLU? A supply of enough vaccinations to treat every person in the country? Why is it that you have no interest in providing basic health care for everyone, yet you're determined to supply all of us with bird flu antidotes? Do you realize how stupid that sounds? A whopping $7.1 billion for vaccinations that most of us won't need? Are you retarded? Seriously, ARE YOU RETARDED?
