Hooray For Random Beatings

original print date, March 17 1999.

.....That stupid Promethean! They've had all this time to put out a paper, and it's nothing but a bunch of crap in some new crap format! And now I read through the whole thing, and all they can supply me with at the end is some fat-headed Irish kid writing a column about nothing?!? Let's beat them! Beat the entire staff! Drag that Paul Ryan kid out by the flagpole and beat him with a wiffleball bat until he cries and confesses to being a woman! (Note: Paul Ryan is not really a woman. It is just that when you are beaten viciously with a giant plastic bat with holes in it, you tend to scream out anything that will make people run the other way. --ed) Put pudding in their shoes! Tell them that if you ever see them on the street without socks on, you'll dislocate their shoulders! Rebel! Rebel!
.....Sorry about that. I'm not quite sure where that came from. Anyway, here's some worthless crap I thought up while sitting in history class.
Recent discoveries by me:

---99.9% of the classes that I have taken so far in college are completely useless towards my major.

---As amazing as it may seem, some people in this area still roll up their pants like they're eternally stuck in 1987.

---Having to watch golf on T.V. for more than 30 seconds at a time may cause you to want to beat the person holding the remote control.

---An update on the Ted Danson situation-- he still sucks.

---Little known to most people, UWS actually stands for Usually the Weather Sucks.

.....Speaking of history (not that we were), I'd like to take this space to say how much I love history (Prof. Standen-- please don't fail me). This is a confession of true love for learning (please don't fail me), and not just a pathetic attempt to kiss butt (please don't fail me). I truly do love history-- everything from that war with that guy to that bill of something or other that gives me the right to publicly curse everyone and write the word "ass" in a university-funded publication. So even though I don't have to do this (for the love of God-- please don't fail me), I am publicly proclaiming my love of history, history class, and people who teach, or profess-- as a professor might-- history (be generous-- I have scurvy). I would also like to mention that I love the following things just as much: English literature, physical science 160, acting, and Latin (non-pig, section 137).
.....The other day I saw a car driving on the sidewalk, near the Old Main building on campus, and I thought to myself "Boy, these Northlanders really need to learn to smoke crack in moderation."
.....Safer sex week is here. For those of you who don't know, safer sex week is a week packed with perverted activities that could only have been thought up by actual college students themselves. Also, the university spends the entire week showering students with condoms and "lubrication." School administrators and SAB members wander about the hallways, pegging passerbyers in the head with "ribbed for her pleasure" specialties (and those ones hurt the most when flung at an unsuspecting noggin). Yes, safer sex week is the only week where UWS wholeheartedly encourages you to romp about the campus, spreading non-babymaking porno love. So have fun this week kids, and remember: get some.
.....To help out the organizers of safer sex week, I've put together a list of activities that should be added.

---Porn star look-alike contest.

---A "let's actually have sex without beer" information night.

--- Nude "Yahtzee!"

---The "guess what my roommate did when they thought I was sleeping" game.

.....Joe Torre was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. I liked Chuck Knoblauch's dim-witted, moronic comment on Sportscenter: "He didn't even look sick." Well call me Captain Obvious, but normally you can't see cancer. Now, I'm not going to make any assumptions here. I'm just going to assume that Chuck Knoblauch is a worthless twit.
.....I started to write a goodbye song to print at the end of this column, but then I realized that it sucked. Really bad. See you next issue (which, at the rate we're going, will be coming out in the fall of 2001).