Hey! You! Old person! Quit pretending like you know how to read!
For Christ's sake. Hold on. *clears throat*
HEY! YOU! OLD PERSON! QUIT PRETENDING LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ!
You're a cheater, old geezer. You're a pathetic old cripply gimp. You bring shame upon our fine society. You're the Mark McGwire of reading; a fraud who uses "enhancements" to read books. Don't think I haven't noticed those bifocals. Your "eye specialist" tries to hide them by adding them into your regular glasses, but everyone knows what you're doing. We all know you're cheating.
This is America, and here in the northern part of it, we take pride in reading. We don't take kindly to people who enhance themselves with plastic parts. God didn't intend things that way. When you get old and go blind, you sit there like a good Christian and listen to the radio. And when you go deaf a few months later, you sit there like a good Christian and eat prunes. And when your taste buds turn as bland as a sitcom on ABC, you lie around like a good Christian and wait for death.
Just like ABC.
Back in the day, people were good enough to commit suicide when they became useless to society, but you new geezers have no class. It's easy. Just get in the tub and pretend the radio "accidentally" slid in with you. Buy a cute yet rabid dog that will eat you while you're asleep. Drink booze along with your pills. "Accidentally" drive your car into a deep ravine. Become infected with polio. These were the methods used by your ancestors, and they remain worthwhile and enjoyable methods of demise today.
More worthwhile and respectable than bifocals, you deceiving, white-haired, six-eyed punks.
Our federal law enforcement needs to crack down on reading enhancements. What kind of example is this setting for our children? For any of you who wear glasses or contacts, do you remember when they hooked you? When those crazy doctors told you the glasses would help you, and neglected to tell you that after wearing them for a month, you'd be blind without them? That's how they get you. It's worse than drugs or alcohol. They actually blind you so you're dependent.
It really is a conspiracy. Honestly, how many people do you know who don't "need" glasses or contacts? Eh? Yeah? If I could get ahold of the doctor that got me, I'd wring his neck, the lousy poof.
What's that? Yeah, I wear contact lenses.
Where are you going, reader? Why are you scowling at me like that? Oh, wait just a second now! No! No, hold on! That's not cheating! That's totally different! Bifocals are cheating! You can't put bifocals in your eyes like contacts, you have to . . . it's . . . contacts are permitted by the laws of . . . whatever, man! I don't use my contacts to read! I never read! I'm illiterate! I've never read a book in my life!
Ask me what Tom Sawyer is about! It's about Watergate! It's about a Swedish vacuum salesman living through the Holocaust! Please, no! Don't leave! I don't even wear contacts! I was joking! No. Don't go. Don't leave. C'mon.
Awwww.
