The day is Tuesday. The time is late evening. Paul is drunk and watching reruns of Family Feud on the Game Show Network. It's one of the Louie Anderson ones. The door opens, and Paul's brother appears. He's wild and angry from a long day of inseminating whales the old fashioned way. He slams the door, removes his hat and slams it on the floor, and points a finger at Paul.
"You haven't written tomorrow's column yet, have you?" he said. "You're just sitting around getting drunk! Huh? HUH? Answer me, damn you!"
"Who do you think's fatter?" I replied, slurring my words. "Louie Anderson or Richard Dawson?"
Mike removes his shoe and throws it at me, hitting me in the head.
"Fine, I'll just write some stupid crappy 'letters from readers' column."
Our first letter is from Dave in Macedon, NY. While I may be mistaken, I believe Macedon is where Julius Irving learned to dunk. Regardless, Dave is more interested in Googling my name, which is a little creepy.
What's up with this?...... http://www.house.gov/ryan/ Are you leading a second life Paul Ryan???? And would you please stop letting people pee and shit on you, and vice versa? Also, is there any chance I could adopt Boo Boo (your attorney)? He seems somewhat hairy, but you'd be surprised what a shaved monkey covered in Vicks Vapor rub can accomplish.
I will answer your questions in the order I received them. 1) That's a congressman, not to be confused with a senator or humor columnist. 2) I haven't yet begun letting people do such things, but sure. I'll stop. 3) I don't recall writing a column about a shaved monkey covered in Vicks Vapor Rub, but now that I know of this monkey, he is my own and you can go fuck yourself with your request.
That was surprisingly easy. Our next letter is from Johan Blathersnatch, which is the greatest fake name ever used throughout the history of time. Mr. Blathercunt is from Wilmington, MA. He's apparently upset about, um, stuff?
Listen up, you son of a bitch: Give me my stickers. I want them now, and I want them for free. Send them Next Day Air, whatever that is. Now for the threatening. If you don't send me my everfucking stickers, with which I want to construct a loincloth and bikini top, I will personally type another email to you, replete with more threats and words like 'replete.' Oh yeah. Damn right I have a thesaurus. I'm not afraid to use that fucker either. Besides all that, your column would be better if you paid me to read it. Finally, in closing, and as a way of wrapping this up, I am only writing this email to you for two reasons. The first reason I forget right now, but the second one is that I want you to print it in a letters column, so I can be famous amongst the other bafoons and child-licking felons who read your website. And now that I have remembered the first reason, which was about the stickers you had better send me or I'll cut off your great-grandfather's penis and mail it to you in a pink box with frilly lace and perhaps even a Hello Kitty greeting card, I'll tell you that reason, and I just did. Good luck figuring that sentence out, dickjiggler.
Next Day Air is the act of shipping a letter or parcel through the atmosphere, usually on a plane but sometimes on a ramjet or wind wagon, both of which are just stupid synonyms for "airplane". The letter or parcel is delivered the day after it is mailed, unless it's the Christmas season, at which point the item will be delivered in two months. Thank you for your interest in the United States Postal Service and child-licking felons.
Our third and final letter is from a man named "Caps" in Germany. He's responding to my column titled, "People with their mouths open are creepy".
Hey Paul! I have the opposite problem: I LOVE people opening their mouths! Yes indeed this is possible. And I would appreciate it very much if you would just mail me all the open-mouth-photos you took, I will store them, you are rid of them and we both are pleased ;-)))
Dear Caps: No I didn't take any cumshot photos, and please stop asking.
That's it for today's letters column. Please send me more e-mails, so I can pretend it's a letter and make fun of you.
