We're sorry, but due to rising gas prices, today's column has been cancelled. Changes in basic needs don't just cause problems for individuals and families. They also cause problems for us. As a result, we have to charge you when you want your pizza delivered cannot write today's column for you.
Have gasoline prices gone down rapidly over the past month? Absolutely! Do we therefore have any reason to cancel today's column because of "rising gas prices"? Not a chance! Are we canceling it anyway? You bet! Why? Shut up, the hockey game's on!
Sorry, the Minnesota Wild were on a power play. The bastards squandered it like 18th century British soldiers.
That was a poor revolutionary war reference. See what happens to the jokes when gas prices rise? Terrible stuff.
Anyway, you may be wondering why this column needs gasoline. It doesn't. We lied. It needs natural gas, and the costs haven't lowered like gasoline prices. To put it plainly, it's fucking cold in the house where Paul lives, and he doesn't feel like writing. Want to know how desperate Paul is for heat at his damn house? Here's an employee of Daily Ramblings stealing gas:
The stupid bastard forgot to write "dailyramblings.com" on the side of the balloon. When employers call for a reference on him, I will just make farting noises into the phone. But then again, that's what I did for Aaron J. Brown, and he was hired as editor of the Hibbing Tribune. That's Hibbing for you: so desperate for natural gas that they'll hire an editor for his farting noises, or those of his childish associate.
So no column today. It's cold. My testicles dropped a foot today. My hair is frozen into the shape of a Nerf turbo football. The metal band of my watch is causing frostbite. Times are tough and my contact lenses are frozen stiff, as is the condom I wear at all times. My laptop is so cold, it's unable to properly download "Trannies on Grannies" off BitTorrent.
Also, I'm busy reading newspaper articles about massive pillow fights, firecrotches, and optimistic retards.
I hope someone hit this guy with a fist instead of a pillow.
This chick looks hot at first, but the longer you look at the picture, the weirder-looking she becomes.
Anyway, aside from this page (NSFW) looking a lot like this piece of satire I wrote, I've got nothing left to say. No column today. Deal with it.
