I've never seen Al Franken in person before, but I've seen him on various talk show appearances. I figured I knew what to expect when I saw him: a tall Jewish man in a suit. A standard mensch, if you will. Like a tall gentile man in a suit, but with up to 65% more menschiness.
I arrived nearly two hours early to Franken's book signing in Edina, MN yesterday, and when 3pm finally came and Franken walked to the podium, I was shocked to find that he's actually a short, somewhat stocky man with an enormous head. You could blindly throw a snowball at Franken from two miles away, and no matter which way you aimed, you'd still have a 50/50 chance of hitting him in the head.
Being a writer with a gigantic head myself, I couldn't have been happier.
Sometimes, when I'd sit at home late at night, typing away on some story that I knew would never see the light of day, I'd stop and say to the ceiling: "God, why aren't there any writers with enormous heads to provide me inspiration?" Well, the bastard must have been listening for once, because now I have Al Franken.
The funny thing is that Franken always looks like a tall man, even on the video I took of his speech. But he's not. When seen in full view from the side, it's a different Franken all together. Not a lesser Franken, mind you, just a different one. I guess that's why most middle-aged people prefer to sit behind a desk all day. Like a podium, It covers everything.
His head is the same way. It doesn't look that big until you're right there next to it. I'm no doctor, but I think the size of one's head has something to do with writing ability. I consider myself a good writer, but I still have a lot of learning to do. Therefore, as seen in my picture with Franken, my head is slightly smaller than his. Our noggin heights alone are at least two inches in difference. Our noggin width is debatable, though Franken may have a slight edge.
It's the same way with hands. While my hands are hidden in the photo, I can assure you that Franken's are much larger, allowing him not only to write at length, but also to crush low-flying birds for sustenance without leaving his desk. These same monster-sized hands can also be used to slap Bill O' Reilly in the mouth.
I wish I had gigantic Frankenhands.
Perhaps if I work hard at my writing, one day I too can have a noggin the size of a large oil barrel. That, or if I have an accident that involves a lot of hemorrhaging in my skull. Either way, now that I know the secret to great success, it won't be long until I rule all of you filthy bastards.
Franken video: I used my camera to tape Franken's 40-minute speech, but I'm not skilled enough with video to compress it much. So it's 255 MB in size, but still worth watching in my opinion.
