I hate losing money, but in the world of construction work, it's easy. If you take a day off because of sickness or a national holiday, you don't get paid. So being a construction worker is kind of like being a whore: if you don't put out, you don't get the money. This is understandable, since construction work pays great when you are working.
Almost as great as whores, even.
But with Christmas and New Year's Day coming soon, and me already having taken a sick day, I'm set to lose $400 total from those three days. Add the $100 I'll spend on parking downtown (no carpooling this month either, for some reason), and it's $500. I've budgeted for unexpected costs, so it's not a major issue, but that's still a lot of money.
I plan to get that money back, reader. I plan to retrieve it from Native Americans.
Yeah, you heard me. Make a move.
Didn't think so!
I realize my odds of getting money from Native Americans is slim. Christopher Columbus spent most of their God's "white man tolerance" on rape, pillaging, and the giving of small pox blankets, which leaves little room for "Paul winning at the casino". However, I have a trick up my sleeve: Jesus!
I know I haven't been the most faithful man alive, but damn it, if large women at nearby Mystic Lake Casino can scream, "Lord, momma needs a new couch!"* and roll double sixes, then so can I. And I also need a new couch, so it works well that way, too.
*Since "momma" technically points to the Mother Mary in biblical terms, I'm a bit confused at this phrase in the first place. Mother Mary didn't need a penis to birth Jesus, so why would she need a couch now?
The equation I worked out for my lucky casino plan is really a humdinger:
How do I know a casino can hold up its end of the righteousness? Well, most of them are owned by Native Americans, and Native American culture is big in Minnesota. Everyone who grows up here learns about it, because any culture that can withstand that many struggles is truly great, and capable of becoming a part of even the non-believers' lives.
Don't believe me? Then answer me this: Why does every household in Minnesota have some sort of wolf-related Native American souvenir item? My parents have a decorative tile with a wolf design posed on the kitchen windowsill. The rest of us Minnesotans all have something similar in our homes, and none of us know why. If you enter a Minnesota household and don't find a wolf design on a tile, collector's plate, figurine, painting, blanket, or something else, then the homeowners are impostors or communist thugs.
Mysterious souvenirs in every home: that's the power of a strong culture. Now imagine all that power and times it by a casino. Now take that casino and times it by Jesus.
The results will be deliciously delicious. I'll buy a lottery ticket today to test my luck/deliciousness, and then head to the casino this weekend.
Wish me luck.
