I think I'm sticking with this one. For real this time.
Go ahead and mock my new column photo. If you didn't mock it, then you wouldn't be my readers, now would you? Ridiculing me is part of this website's appeal. The last time I posted a new column photo (a few weeks ago), I was told I looked like a "pervert", "child molester", "voyeuristic masturbator", and "adult bookstore clerk".
I removed that photo, but now I wish I had kept it. After all, isn't a picture of me looking like a porno clerk kind of fitting for my columns? Either way, I need a new photo. The old one was taken at my previous job at The Newspaper™ - which no longer employs me. It brings back bad memories. I'm a new Paul, one who doesn't have to wear collared shirts and live in a city filled exclusively with douchebags, and a new Paul needs a new Paul photo.
Today seems like a good day to take my photo. I was at the grocery store earlier, and two teenage girls were sitting on a bench talking. I'm not sure what they were talking about, because they were fat and I don't pay attention to fat people. I only noticed them when one glanced at me and said, "Should I ask him?" The other one, who was equally marmalade-enhanced, said, "No, don't ask the pretty guy, ask that lady."
Excuse me? Pretty guy? Men aren't "pretty", we're "excruciatingly handsome". If such misuse of the English language continues among teenagers, I'm going to have to start removing my belt and beating random children in public. Forget vigilante crime fighting. Vigilante child beating is what this world really needs.
But I'm going off on a tangent. Sorry.
The incident with the teenage girls wasn't the only "action" I attracted at the supermarket. When I paid for my groceries, the 70-year-old female cashier also smiled at me. When I thanked her for giving me my change, she blushed.
So that's two portly underage girls and a post-menopausal grandmother, all in one day. Not bad for me. I must have been looking good. There was no better time for a picture!
I always look like horsecrap in photos, partly because I'm not photogenic, and partly because I always look like horsecrap. My love of rectangular photos for this website also leaves me little room to work. So rather than fret over multiple photos, I just said the hell with it, set the timer, posed, and settled for whatever picture I got. The end result: I'm not smiling, the lighting is bad, and there's hardly any color in the background, but then again, my last photo didn't exactly look great either.
But now it's your turn, readers. After last time's fun column photo mockfest (I was so proud of being able to pull off the "adult bookstore clerk" look. Seriously), I'm eager to see what creative insults come out of this photo. As Roger DeBris from the movie "The Producers" said, "Be brutal! Be brutal! Because God knows they will!"
I'm not sure who "they" is in my case, but it's certainly some brutal bastards, so get cracking, mockery club. I expect only the best out of you.
