Milwaukee's Summerfest, Day Three

Sorry for how late this update is, but all the places with internet access are closed on July 4, so I had to wait until I got home to upload today’s column. There was also an accident on I-90, which slowed me down by a few hours. The cab of a semi (no trailer was attached) completely flipped over and started on fire. When I drove past, the fire was out and there was nothing left of the thing.

Speaking of disasters, what about Gilbert Gottfried? Oh, dear God. I can’t even believe I have to type this one up.

Gilbert Gottfried came on stage at 9 p.m., drunker than a high school girl at a frat party. He was literally hanging for dear life on the microphone stand. He was so drunk he couldn’t even remember any of his jokes. He told a few lame knock-knock types that bombed, and then began singing obscure love songs from the 1950s. I’m not kidding. He also started reciting lines from the book “Of Mice And Men”.

None of this was done to be funny. He didn’t sing the songs with his normal annoying voice, he wobbled and mumbled the songs like an old drunk sitting underneath a highway bridge with an empty bottle of whiskey. He then started doing 30 different versions of “what would happen if this celebrity and this celebrity were in the classic comedy sketch, ‘Who’s On First’”. None of the impressions were any different from his normal voice. In fact, he couldn’t even finish any of the jokes, because he was having trouble keeping his balance.

At the start of the show, the place was packed. By the end, I was one of 20 people left. They had to bring in extra security in the last five minutes, because the 20 people that were left were throwing so much stuff at him that it was getting dangerous. I’ve never seen anyone get booed so badly before. Poor, poor Gilbert. I’m sad to say that I think I saw his entire career go down the toilet last night.

As for the bands, Default was surprisingly good. I figured they would suck live, like every other new band out there, but they really got the crowd moving.

Live, on the other hand, played nothing but old, tired songs from when they were actually good. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was fun, but only because it was different from the normal crap that you see at summer music festivals. Otherwise they were pretty average.

Today, for my last breakfast on my little “vacation”, I ate a fine three-donut and apple juice breakfast at “Dunkin’ Donuts”. Cost me $3.25. That’s the first and only bit of patriotism I’ve felt all day. Screw America; I love “Dunkin’ Donuts”.

The last thing I can give you from my Summerfest experience is a break dancing anecdote. When you walk out of Summerfest, there’s always a bunch of people playing drums. They’re everywhere. I’m not sure why, but apparently the three dollars they make each night is worth the effort to them.

Anyway, one of the groups playing was very professional, for a sidewalk band. They had microphones set up and everything. See, that’s the difference between good towns and bad ones. Milwaukee cops realize that the people playing drums are part of the fun atmosphere, unlike La Crosse cops, who kill every bit of fun and atmosphere there is.

But to get to the main point, there was some break dancing going on as the more professional of the bands played, and at one point, a 10 year-old kid walked up to the circle of people. There were two reasons why I noticed this kid. Number one, it was one in the morning, and there were no parents in sight, and number two, this little munchkin could break dance like a son of a bitch.

He was spinning, flipping and schooling every other break dancer there, some of them twice his age. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. The funny part was, all the girls there were all over him. They were leaving their boyfriends and going up to hug this kid. About three different girls gave him the “If you were a few years older” speech.

The kid was playing it cool, but you could tell he was pumped from all the attention. I’m not sure if his main excitement came from having a bunch of girls hugging him or just from knowing that he was taking chicks away from guys 10 years older than him, but he sure had a smug look on his face.

Sigh. If only I were ten years younger, and knew how to break dance.