Occasionally, I write columns that are incredibly unfunny and just plain dumb. Most of them are published here anyway, but sometimes they're so bad that I shelve them. The following are snippets from those columns that just didn't work:
The Christmas column
Mom: (knocks on door) Paul, honey, did you buy your brother a Christmas present yet?
Paul: *grunt* I'm wrapping it right now, mom! Urrgghhhh!
Mom: Uh, you're wrapping it in the bathroom?
Paul: Well, I'm not actually wrapping it, per se. I'm just, um, dropping it into the bag. URRGGHHH!
The smoking elephants column
Man: My sister hangs out with losers.
Woman: That's a little harsh, don't you think?
Man: No, her friends are all losers, just like me. When she says I'm cool, there's no context because I'm all she knows. It's like saying elephants are the best smokers when you haven't given the other animals a chance.
Woman: Uh . . .
Man: To smoke. You have to let all of them smoke before you decide.
The tranny column
Guy: Roxy's playing tonight. She's pretty wild.
Dude: Never heard of her.
Guy: She's good. Might want to stay away from the women in the crowd, though.
Dude: The women in the crowd? Why?
Guy: Guess.
Dude: Are they trannies?
Guy: Big time trannies.
Dude: What makes a tranny big time? She have two dicks or something?
Guy: No, it's one of those trannies where you can't tell they're male. Not like the drag queen ones with adam's apples. These ones can trick sober guys, too.
Dude: You speaking from experience or something?
Guy: I've been to many Roxy shows.
Dude: What the hell does that mean? You got tricked by a tranny?
Guy: I've been to many Roxy shows.
The Jesus column
Jesus: You know, the whole point of underpants is to add a layer of protection.
Doug: Really? I'm sorry.
The apple column
Whatcha like? Hey mister, whatcha like? You wanna apple for fornicatin'? Come get it! Come getcha a sexy apple!
What's yer favorite variety? Ya like inbreedin'? Try Red Delicious! The supermarkets want them some bright red apples, the kind peoples be buyin', so they crossbreed the seeds over and over, forgettin' that it makes 'em apples all mushy and stale. Them apples been inbred so long, they uglier than British royalty!
What about fatties? Do them fatties turn ya on? Then try you some Honeycrisp apples for humpin' purposes! Them's the biggest apples 'round these here American states! Just as long as you don't mind that they ain't real. You don't mind the fake big ones, do ya? They just like real ones, but better! The University of Minnesota done engineered them Honeycrisp apples in the 1960s, and they been sellin' them since the 1990s so you could fuck 'em.
