After visiting California for a week, I can't help but think of all the things I didn't do that I should have done. The following is a list of those regretful omissions from my trip.
Convert a hobo to Judaism. I'm not Jewish, but if hobos were more thrifty, they might not be homeless anymore. Oh, shut up. Don Rickles would like this joke. Of course, Don Rickles would probably also like slavery to be reintroduced, so maybe I'll shut up.
Get Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly to knife fight. Carson gets the purple bandana and Ryan gets the pink one. If one of them has to go potty, they call out "Tommytucker teener!" and the fighting stops.
Get a lap dance. Los Angeles' local alternative weekly paper has coupons for free lap dances. Free ones just happen to be my favorite kind. If there were seven coupons in each weekly issue of that paper, it would be like having a birthday party every day.
Join the mile-high club. I've never seen a flight attendant who wasn't 15-20 years older than me, which is why I've never joined this club. Also, I'm not handsome enough to qualify for sex in the bathroom. Few people are.
Eat a palm tree leaf. I was going to do this just for kicks, but then someone told me that it depletes the natural habitat of leprechauns.
Give plasma an hour before getting on the airplane. Who needs to buy mind-altering drugs when the body's natural defense mechanisms are free?
Challenge USC running back Reggie Bush to a race. If he slacks off as much as he did in the first half against Texas, I'll win.
Stay in California. Do you know how much friggin' colder it feels now that I'm back here?! Damn cold! Gah!
Retrieve my tooth filling. It fell out during the flight home, when we were flying over the Rocky Mountains. It's for a back molar. If found, please contact my dentist, Dr. I Can't Do Fillings For Crap.
Sit next to someone on the plane. At first I was excited to fly the whole way home with an entire row of the plane to myself, but I soon realized I didn't have anyone to complain to about my lost filling. I had to wait nearly three hours before I could piss and moan to someone.
Make love to a moose. Wait. That's a Minnesota pastime. Never mind.
Learn why people used to say "hella" all the time. As in, "This tofu is hella awesome." Oh well. I probably would have just punched them in the stomach before they answered anyway.
See a celebrity. I visited a friend at the FOX studio on Monday, but didn't stay long enough to see anyone famous. On my way out, I thought I saw Wilmer Valderrama eating a hoagy, but it turned out to just be someone who was unfortunate enough to look like Wilmer Valderrama.
