There's no profit, goddamn it! Where's the profit?!? Daily Rambling's stockholders are furious! Fucking furious! They're writing paragraphs with exclamation points at the end of every sentence! That's what people do when they're trying to show that they're furious!
Seriously, I can't afford this website anymore. Do you know how much it costs this place to run? No, not $29. No, not $42. Why all the round number guesses? It's not a blowjob in a back alley, it's a real life monetary amount. Sales tax is involved, damn it.
It costs tens of thousands of dollars per year to run this site. Er, tens of thousands of dollars . . . and forty-three cents. Most of these costs are used to cover my luxurious basement "apartment", my liability only car "insurance", and my bi-monthly trips to the "supermarket"*.
*I raid the kitchen at my parents' house.
Nevertheless, we have to cut costs somewhere, and it's going to be in tech support. You know how you have a computer problem and call customer support, and some guy who can't speak English just presses buttons on the phone and giggles without ever answering your questions? Yeah, well that's because those computer companies outsourced their tech support to India.
India is too expensive for Daily Ramblings.
We prefer to outsource our tech support to Germany. Nazi Germany. But fear not! The level of quality won't change a bit. Check out this great job our support team did for one of our readers:
Bob: When I visit the blog, my browser sometimes only views half the page. Is that because I'm stupid and still use Internet Explorer as a browser?
Adolf: Ich mag Stachelschweine bumsen. Sie sind scharf und spitz aber Geruch wie Tommy Girl™. Manchmal, wenn ich Bohnen esse, verwende ich meinen Kolben, um meinen eigenen Hosen Geruch lustig zu bilden. Da§ letzter Satz ein gro§er Witz, aber keiner war, erhŠlt es, weil maschinelle †bersetzung in seiner Genauigkeit begrenzt wird.**
**Translation: I like to fuck porcupines. They are sharp and pointy but smell like Tommy Girl™. Sometimes when I eat beans, I use my butt to make my own pants smell funny. That last sentence was a great joke, but no one will get it because computer translation is limited in its accuracy.
Fantastic. If Bob could have understood a word Adolf said, he might very well have become a Nazi himself.
So what does this change save the stockholders? Four dollars per decade. Plus, they get free "Get over Hitler already." t-shirts for the whole family. They're printed on Loop Terry fabric. Made of 80% combed cotton and 20% polyester, this luxuriously soft fabric offers impeccable comfort. A trans-seasonal fabric, Loop Terry weighs 6.5 ounces per square yard or 220 grams per square meter.
No, 2x1 Rib is not available.
Screw me? Screw you.
Anyway, I just wanted to be upfront and honest. Most companies wouldn't tell you they were outsourcing their tech support to non-English-speaking countries, but I take quite a bit of joy in it. If there's one thing that keeps me going every morning, it's watching you hapless dolts come back every time just to be insulted. To put it plainly, I'm kind of like a politician, and this website is kind of like an election.
