I recently won a battle for an apartment in Los Angeles because I had better credit than the other applicants. After my future landlord called to give me the good news, I celebrated by yelling "I have better credit than Jesus!"
This may sound like a strange thing to yell, but hear me out: I do have better credit than Jesus. For all I know, Jesus might have been one of the other applicants. It could have been me against Jesus and God, rather than the more likely case of me against a stoner and a violent alcoholic.
My friend refused to believe my claim of biblical credit superiority. Rather than openly accept the fact that I had possibly beaten the Father, the Son, and their Holy Ghost (pet, $700 deposit required) for a studio apartment in L.A., he became offended and surly.
"Do you mean to say our Lord and Savior, the man who allegedly died on the cross for us, wouldn't have gotten that apartment over you?" he said.
"Have you read the bible?" I asked. "Find me the passage where that bastard pays his rent."
"Have you read the bible?" my friend asked.
"Not a chance in hell," I said. "But I'll bet the landlord has, which is why I got the apartment. There is no recorded history of Jesus making rent payments on time."
I'm not much for religious discussion, but bizarre subjects like this one intrigue me. While I don't care about moral issues, I do care about stupid issues like, "Did Jesus ever wear a hat?" and "Could Jesus' ancient, unevolved digestive system handle Banana Twins Cakes?"
Let me explain The Great Theory of Jesus' Bad Credit Rating. Jesus never had to worry about paying rent, because He was freakin' Jesus. He never had to take out a loan. He was never required to make mortgage payments. Credit cards hadn't been invented yet. Blockbuster Video stores hadn't begun sending their late fees to a collection agency for retrieval.
So it's not that He had repo men after him or something, it's just that He had no experience with credit whatsoever. As unfair as it is, when you have no experience with credit, your credit rating is low and landlords tend to go with better candidates. Even if Jesus had a job in the area and was allowed to list personal references, he still wouldn't have gotten the apartment instead of me. After all, what landlord is going to approve some wacko who lists "God" as a personal reference? Especially when his so-called employment is as an unpaid missionary?
A border collie has a better credit rating than Jesus, because sometimes credit card companies accidentally send out credit cards to dogs without realizing it. Then the dogs just buy smut. Tons and tons of smut that they are unable to pay for.
Please don't take offense at this column. It's not my fault that Jesus, God, Moses, Mary, Job, and the hippie nutjob who built the ark for animals couldn't get an apartment in our modern times. If they want one, they'll have to do what the rest of us did to attain our credit rating: spend four years paying off a kick-ass stereo that is amassing 15% interest multiple times each month.
