- Porterhouse steak ($27.49). Twenty-four ounces of love.
- T-bone steak ($18.16). Buy him 365 of these, and you can leave for a year and he won't even notice you're gone.
- Filet Mignon steak ($11.66). Good for a snack, I guess.
- Blowjob (Free!). A timeless classic.
- Sex (Free!). You have to give in sometime. It might as well be on Feb. 14.
- Pay the damn bills for once, woman (Price varies). I mean, daaaaamn woman! The bills!
- Dinner at a strip club buffet on amateur night, with you dancing (You'll make money if you're good at it). I've heard the buffet's tater tots are delicious.
- Darth Vader popcorn machine ($1,100). Don't roll your eyes. I SAID DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES!
- 65" HDTV ($4,500). One more thing to play with instead of you.
- Ford GT ($141,000). Just don't be mad when we're suddenly able to get much more attractive girls than you.
- Bacon of the month club ($140). Most people think ordering bacon by mail is stupid, but seriously, my college roommates and I ordered from this company back in the day, and it was the most delicious bacon I've ever tasted, well worth the cost.
- A keg of beer ($60-$70). Stereotypical? Yes. Appreciated? More than you'll ever know.
- Apple Macbook Pro ($2000). Just because your man's a nerd doesn't mean he isn't a high-maintenance bitch, just like you.
- Another job (Free!). That's a second job for you, not a first one for us. We prefer to sleep in on the weekdays.
- Leather flask ($35). For when we go to the movies with you.
- A harmonica ($15-$70). Because we'd like to think we're cool, and cool people should know how to play a harmonica, just in case a nearby blues band needs us.
- Fresh bananas from Amazon.com ($2.99). They taste better when they're shipped unnecessarily.
- A purple velvet blazer ($196). And a wooden pipe, damn it.
- Absolutely nothing (Free!). Just as long as we don't have to buy you anything.
