Summer School Commencement Speech

Let’s face the facts. There have been many times that I have been asked to speak in public. And not just those drunken shouts one yells at random people when returning from the bar. No, I have been asked to speak at events.

You may be asking, “Why have I never heard about the master public speaking feats of Paul Ryan?” Well, just because I don’t come to your house and give informative, touching and unforgettable speeches to large crowds doesn’t mean I don’t do it elsewhere.

Yes, reader, sometimes you just have to sit back and realize that you are a worthless loser, and that Paul Ryan doesn’t want to speak at your house. Don’t take it personally, though. Someday, when I’ve fallen from my high status in society, you can laugh at my horrifying trip back down from the top. Of course, even after I fall, I’ll still be better than you. So don’t laugh too hard.

Nevertheless, this year I have been asked to be the head speaker for the summer school commencement program at St. Peter’s Christian Lord of the Cross Community College. The ceremonies were Friday evening, and I managed to get a transcript of the event for you. Listen to the wisdom I dish out for these young souls.

Hello, class of 2002. Today you are graduates. Stop your damn applauding, because I’m not here to butter you up. Let me tell you this: your ass still stinks just as much as it did yesterday. You’re no different than you were before you got your degree.

Do you have a job? Of course you don’t. You have no damn experience. You’d be similar to a monkey if you weren’t so ugly. Do you have a nice home of your own to live in? Definitely not. Your place is a sh*thole. I say “sh*thole” because when they built the building you live in, they dug a hole in the ground. The building that later went into that whole is now filled by you, i.e. “sh*t”.

You’re here today listening to me because I won’t come to your crummy sh*thole of a house. Your house sucks, and could barely accommodate an inflatable woman, let alone a prestigious speaker such as myself.

Also, the university drove me here in a limo. You, on the other hand, would have picked me up in your Daewoo Nubira station wagon. This would have been unacceptable. In such unacceptable travel accommodations, I would have had no choice but to sh*t on the upholstery and throw myself out the window of the vehicle.

But let’s get away from your faults, graduates. Instead, let’s talk about your futures.

It’s a proven fact that most of you will end up making a career out of something other than what you majored in during college. This is because you’re stupid. You’re a stupid bunch of sh*ts who changed your majors every semester. You couldn’t even decide what you ENJOY doing. How stupid are you, anyway?

You’d have to be an absolute moron not to know what you enjoy. Jesus, I’ve seen more consistency and progress from groups of window lickers!

Oh, wait. I’m so sorry. Sh*t. I apologize. I realize it was wrong of me to use the Lord’s name in vain at a college such as this. You’ll have to forgive me. You see, when a person is as agnostic as I am, you tend not to remember these little religious no-no’s. I’ll watch my language, and try not to f*ck up so badly in the future.

But back to my speech: let’s not get away from the fact that you people are still sh*theads. For anyone in this crowd who thinks they’re not a sh*thead, just look at what you’re wearing. A womanly gown? A square hat with a tassel? Who the hell wears square hats? You all look like sh*t.

Yes, I may be wearing the cap and gown as I give this speech, but do you know how much money your college is paying me? You’re not getting paid a dime. In fact, your extra “graduation fees” that they forced you to fork over are paying my salary. They charged you money for that cap and gown, which–once again–looks stupid. You have been tricked and violated. This is just another reason why you will all be worthless failures in the future.

In conclusion, I’d like to say that things aren’t entirely your fault. Over the past day, I’ve had a chance to meet most of your professors and administrators, and I can honestly say that they’re the only people I have met who are bigger sh*theads than all of you.

Burn your degree or diploma, graduates. They’re as cheap and worthless as the “education” your professors and administrators claim to have received. Good luck in your lives. Always remember to keep your spirits up. God bless.