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NCAA battle: Downtown Brown vs. Funkafyin' Ryan

original print date, March 15 2006

                Paul Ryan

There are few things more sacred than an NCAA basketball pool. The Bible, the miracle of childbirth, delicious pie: Such things pale in comparison. You could create a breathtaking commemorative plate of God and Elvis rocking out together, and it still wouldn't be more important than this little piece of paper in my hand, which has my NCAA picks.

Which is funny, because I hate basketball. I think it's dull, and involves nothing more than a bunch of teams with one good player who never passes the ball. Traveling is never enforced, fouls are called whenever someone with the ball gets breathed on, and the "my scholarship pays for everything, and then I leave without graduating" sellout mocks the whole idea of higher education.

That's why betting on college basketball is so important. Without that cash on the line, the games would be a little too carefree, and possibly even fun for the athletes. I won't stand for such a thing. We need to put as much pressure as possible on these little freeloading, easy-living turds.

That's why columnist Aaron Brown and I are doing our part. We're having an NCAA pool of our own, in which apathetic people who don't like basketball can add to the debauchery of the game. You can join as well! Just visit http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/men
and click "Create or join group". Choose to join a private group, and then enter group #111103 with the password "ryanbrown".

To get you ready for the action ahead, here's a preview of the battle between Aaron Brown and myself:

Records: Ryan (1-0) won last year, leaving Brown (0-1) to cry like a little girl having her first period.

Strengths: While Brown is obviously the more successful human being, keep in mind that Ryan is unemployed, and therefore has all freaking day to research his picks.

Weaknesses: Brown has an educated and logical mind, which may make it difficult for him to predict some of the larger upsets. Ryan has a drinking problem, which may cause him to select Wisconsin-Milwaukee to go all the way.

Scouting Report: Neither Ryan nor Brown knows anything about this year's teams, or about basketball in general. Brown doesn't know what "in the paint" refers to. Ryan wrongly believes that target shooting is performed at halftime, with misses counting as penalties against a team's final score.

Emotionally, Ryan may have an edge. Brown was recently hired by a Los Angeles TV show to record audio for them from Minnesota. Ryan is still impatiently awaiting a call on a PA job from that same lousy goddamn ungrateful backstabbing TV show (note to Megan, if she's reading: Just kidding). Ryan's rage, from not being rewarded for helping the TV show find Brown, may inspire him to work harder on his research and defeat Brown.

Previous Sports Achievements: In little league baseball, Ryan was once beaned in the leg by a pitcher who went on to play minor league baseball for the Minnesota Twins. Brown once french kissed football legend Gale Sayers.

Little-known facts: Brown can speak 14 languages, and is also a Grammy-nominated rapper. Ryan can poop standing up, and once pooped from the top of a waterslide.

Prediction: This one's too close to call. It'll go right down to the wire, and may possibly require a tiebreaker. The tiebreaker, agreed upon by both Ryan and Brown, is a contest to see who can make the tastiest peanut butter sandwich. Brown was seen at a local grocery store yesterday purchasing high-end peanut butter and expensive Wonder bread.


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