E-mails, Comments, Clarifications, And Random Complaints From Readers

I am not an intellectual, I am a "babbling clownfart".

A quote like that can only mean one thing, reader. Yes, it's time for another column made up entirely of letters from readers like you.

Goddamn it, I hate these columns. I always get slandered.

But at least you know for sure that I'm actually reading your letters. Does conservative Washington Post columnist George Will read your letters? No, because he doesn't love you. I know it may hurt, reader, but you're going to have to face the fact that George Will doesn't love you. He uses your letters to brush dandruff off his suit. But don't fret, reader. The only people who read George Will's column are 80 year-old Republicans, and little girls who think he's a glasses-wearing, adult version of Pugsly from "The Addams Family".

But rest assured that much like "Amazing Tales" magazine, I read every one of your letters and ponder them for no less than 26 hours before carefully placing them in a shoebox and saving them under my bed. I laminate the best ones, so they'll last forever.

Or perhaps I just use them to make fun of you, and then delete them from the inbox on my e-mail. Who cares? Either way, you get yours.

Let's start off with a letter that actually complimented me. I know, I couldn't believe it either. This one's from Tom Heuer of Norman, Oklahoma.

My co-workers have to think I am a friken nut. I just started laughing at work while reading your article on the crazy lady singers(Column 42, June 7, "Mom! Old People Are Scaring Me Again!"). Imagine a silent office with just the sound of an occasional click of the mouse or keyboard. now fade in Tom, laughing, but trying to keep quiet, tears running down my face, all the while everyone in my office must think I am on crack, like really good crack. I have to say "BEST RAMBLING EVER.." Cheers to you fine sir.

Thanks, Tom. Also, another big thanks to Tom for promising to litter the local strip clubs in Oklahoma with the free stickers I sent him. The movement is slowly spreading . . .

I also enjoyed his incredibly British, Mr. Peabody-sounding "Cheers to you find sir." Are you finding Oklahoma to be a lot like England, Tom? Sorry, I couldn't resist that one.

But enough of the good letters. Let's get to the ones where I can actually mock the person writing. One such letter comes from Nikki Simmer of St. Paul, Minnesota.

The Gatsby thing (Column 71, June 20, "Popular Book Reading #1") was funny when (Andy) Kaufman did it because he was ON A STAGE.

Gee, sorry. Didn't mean to make you accidentally read a book or something. Sheesh.

Nikki, a sweet girl turned vicious by addictions to heroin and male dancers at "The Loins Club" (which is located right next door to the offices of "Amazing Tales" magazine), also saw the payboxes I set up around the site for donations, and said "I saw your shameless plea for cash, you whore. You used to be in it for the ART, man!" Oh yeah? Well, I remember when you used to be in it for the money, Nikki. How could you stray so far from commercialism and greed? You've brought shame to us all, Nikki. I'm going to go cry and watch commercials.

Moving on, this next letter is from someone named "Meet Me At Hotornot.com".

Congratulations Paul, people are interested in meeting you! To make matches with these people, follow the link(s) below and click 'YES' or 'NO'.

You know, back in college, when I had the hottie contest between the chancellor and myself (Columns 31 and 35), I never knew that I'd be receiving these stupid dating e-mails for the next eternity, asking me to go meet losers online. You see, when I signed up, I unknowingly left a box checked that signed me up for the dating service as well. I've tried to turn it off, but I can't remember my stupid password, so I can't.

The only thing that makes this cool is that back when I signed up, they didn't make you verify your e-mail address, so I put down the chancellor's actual e-mail without his knowledge. So if I'm getting these dating e-mails, he must be getting them as well. Ha!

Well, our last letter today comes from April Solberg of Chetek, Wisconsin. She stopped by and read the column where I mentioned what a worthless fad you all were (Column 68, June 17, "Let's Face Reality").

God, you're cynical. Have you tried therapy?

No, I prefer to treat my psychological issues by lashing out at people in a profanity-laced column online. It's nature's best medicine . . . you son of a bitch.

Ahhh, that felt good. See? I'm feeling better already.

Pugsly: "Why do you never print my letters, Mr. Will?"

George Will: "Shut up and kiss me you fool."