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This week on "The O.C."

original print date, March 17 2006

                Paul Ryan

Scene 1

Marissa: I'm so heartbroken! The mere memory of my boyfriend makes me pass out and fall down the stairs!

Seth: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Marissa: My character is like Kim Bauer on "24"! Ridiculous things happen to me for no reason!

Seth: No, seriously. Falling down the stairs? That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Marissa: The show can't go five minutes without me acting mopey or creating pointless drama that won't even be used later in the story!

Seth: Has the writer of this show developed a drinking problem or something?

Marissa: Yes.

Scene 2

Seth: Isn't it funny how you were supposed to be the star of this show, but it turns out people like me a million times better?

Ryan: I'm still the star of the show.

Seth: Yeah, technically. But name one viewer who actually likes you.

Ryan: Shut up.

Scene 3

Julie: I'm a whore!

Kirsten: I know.

Julie: I'm a whore!

Kirsten: Is there some other plotline your character would like to explore?

Julie: I'm a whore!

Kirsten: Sigh.

Scene 4

Random Character: I just killed a hobo and raped the Pope.

Sandy: I can get you out of jail in 30 minutes.

Random Character: What? That's ridiculous.

Sandy: I know, but it's pretty convenient for the writer. He can bring in random troublesome characters each week, have them get in trouble, and then have them conveniently out of jail by the following week, with no explanation of how it was accomplished.

Random Character: Don't the viewers notice?

Sandy: Who cares? Look at my awesome eyebrows! They'll haunt you in your sleep!

Scene 5

Kaitlin: Hi, I'm Marissa's 14-year-old sister. For some creepy reason, the writer has made me, a near-preteen, into a sexual object.

Seth: Is he a pedophile?

Kaitlin: No, but let's just say he knows his male viewers well.

Scene 6

Summer: My voice is really annoying, so I'm only featured on the show for brief moments each episode.

Marissa: Thank God for that.

Scene 7

Kirsten: I don't really do anything on the show.

Sandy: I know. Why do they waste the show's best actress like that?

Kirsten: Hell if I know. I'm hot, too! I'm a ridiculously hot mom! Put me on the screen more often!

Sandy: Don't worry. Sweeps week is coming soon. With the sour turn the writing has taken this season, I'm sure you and Kaitlin will be making out in a hot tub.

Scene 8

Kaitlin: Want some pot?

Seth: Yes! Uh oh, I am addicted to it now. Drugs are so bad.

Marissa: I use alcohol as an emotional crutch. No teen ever uses alcohol responsibly.

Summer: None of us drink alcohol unless it's to teach a lesson about how drinking is bad. If we drank and nothing bad happened to us, it would be too realistic and viewers would complain about us promoting drinking.

Scene 9

Sadee: I'm a new character. I will be gone within six weeks.

Matt: Me too. My exit will be very predictable.

Taylor: I'm very perky. I will continue to be featured occasionally through future seasons, because I'm the type of character male viewers like to beat off to.

Scene 10

Ryan: My hair looks stupid this season.

Seth: So fix it.

Ryan: I can't. My new conservative hairstyle helps viewers realize I've matured since last year.

Seth: So . . . an 18-year-old combing his hair like Mike Wallace is a mark of maturity, not dullness?

Ryan: Apparently so.




 Reader Comments
page:   1
Aoife     Apr 20, 6305 • 11:43am  
Rayne     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
So very very true. It\'s sad how writers can take a good concept, steal from it, rape it, and hit it on the head \'till it\'s dead dead dead.
Yvette     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
And I thought this was exactly how life was! Hey, I always feel better when these people are bigger losers and have much worse problems then I do.
Froto Shaggins     Apr 20, 3925 • 11:42am  
This was actually one of your better columns. I laughed, I cried, i peed my pants (although for an entirely different reason) and then I took a dump in your honor.
page:   1