I'm putting together a stand-up comedy act. Why? Because I'm big into theater, but there doesn't seem to be any theaters in this area. Well, there are, but you need to fellate someone to get an audition. So I'm doing the only thing I can think of that will give me something fun to do on a stage: stand-up comedy.
There's plenty of open mic nights around town, and most are open to anyone. I've even seen some open mic nights where a burned-out, deranged hippie gets onstage and has an unintentional acid flashback. I wouldn't be surprised if an occasional hobo gets onstage, takes a huge crap, and then leaves.
I'm not quite that ambitious, but I am excited to get my three minutes of comedy. To be more precise, I'm excited to get my three minutes of Stevie Wonder comedy. I've put together a collection of original Stevie Wonder jokes that haven't ever been told before. All of them depend entirely on the idea that a crowd of strangers will laugh at jokes that end with the punchline, "Because he's freaking blind, get it?!"
Actually, I won't be using any of these jokes for my act, but I thought it would be funny to pretend I'm so sick and demented that I need to offend people daily just to keep my buzz going.
Because this website totally isn't here for that purpose.
Not at all.
Not in the least.
But hey, let's pretend I am going to be a Stevie Wonder joke specialty comic. Here's the Wonder Jokes™ I thought up this morning while sitting in my underwear and watching "Saved By the Bell". Speaking of that, Kelly Kapowski was pretty hot, but Lisa wasn't so bad herself. I can understand why Screech had such a boner for her. She definitely rivaled Kelly for the title of hottest girl on the show. But that's the subject of another column. Let's get on to the Wonder Jokes™.
Joke #1. I wonder if the people who help Stevie Wonder let him out of the house sometimes. I mean, it's not like they keep him trapped there, fenced into the yard. They've got to let him out sometime. I'm not trying to make him sound like a dog or anything, I just wonder if they let him out for walks. And then I wonder if sometimes he gets lost and all his assistants have to go looking for him. And then they find him a few hours later wandering around Compton. And then they scold him and say "Bad Stevie! You walked all the way from Beverly Hills to Compton again!" And then they hit him on the nose with a newspaper, to teach him a lesson.
Joke #2. Do you think Stevie Wonder gets nervous about masturbating? I mean, if I were blind, I'd be really afraid masturbating. I'd always be afraid someone was watching without me knowing it. Like I wouldn't realize I was masturbating in front of a window, and people outside would be laughing and taping it. "Oh, that Stevie! He masturbating with the curtains open again!" Also, how does he clean up afterwards? What if he's a big shooter, and the goo goes flying, and then he can't find it because he's bind? That'd be freaky, because he'd be walking around afraid of stepping in it, and so he'd have to call one of his assistants to "find the goo", and he'd have to lie and tell them it was snot.
Joke #3. Being blind isn't really a negative thing. If anything, it's really positive. No one would expect you to have a job, and people would be really impressed by simple stuff like being able to pour milk into your own cereal. What the hell do blind people eat, anyway? How can you tell turkey slices have gone bad if you can't see the green on them? Anyway, if I were blind, life would be pretty sweet. You could buy the ugliest car and not care about it, and get the ugliest, cheapest hookers and not know the difference. "Really? Eleven dollars for thirty minutes? Send her over! Just make sure she doesn't talk. I may be blind, but I'm not deaf. I can still hear how ugly she is."
Joke #4. I've got a really great Stevie Wonder sitcom idea. It's Stevie, and he's blind, right? And the whole show is just him walking around crashing into things. Actually, a really great sitcom would be Stevie pretending he can actually see. He'd accidentally walk into swimming pools and stuff, and then he'd pretend it never happened, even though he's soaking wet and his huge sunglasses got lost in the pool.
It'd be great. Stevie would call up a hooker, requesting one that doesn't talk. Then something zany would happen, like his mother would just happen to come over right when the hooker was supposed to, and he'd think that she was the hooker. And then they'd have sex, and she'd file rape charges against him.