C'mon. C'mon! Do it, woman. You know you want to sleep with the production assistants. This is how things work, damn it. At some point or another, everyone sleeps with the PAs.
I know we're pretty low on the totem pole in the entertainment business, but there's one thing we have that you can't find anywhere else. We're hot. We're really friggin' hot. Not necessarily me, but other PAs. Sleep with me anyway, though, just based on the principle.
Remember when you were a kid, and you sent away in the mail for a cereal box prize? You waited by the mailbox every day for it to arrive. Remember that feeling you got when it finally did? That's the sort of feeling you get from sleeping with a PA. We're the hot piece of ass you've been waiting for by the mailbox, and now we've arrived. Are you not going to open our packaging and enjoy us?
Once again, I'd like to point out that when I say "hot piece of ass", I'm not talking about myself. I'm kinda weird and socially awkward, and my messy hairstyle looks like someone hit me in the head with an emo bomb. But other PAs are attractive, and I'm standing right next to them. Consider it a package deal.
What are you gonna do? Go after the fat middle-aged balding guys who run this town? I mean, I know you will, but why not have a little PA action on the side? We're friendly little attention whores whose sole purpose is to be molested by people like you. Do you honestly think studios and production companies need to pay assistants $100 per day to get lunch and drive documents from place to place? Documents can be e-mailed or faxed. Lunch can be delivered.
We're here for you to molest. Enjoy it, for once.
I know all those Hollywood insiders say it's bad to sleep with PAs. They say the opinions of assistants are valuable to their multiple bosses, and if things somehow go sour in the "relationship", you'll get fired. Don't listen to those Hollywood insiders. Why? Because I'm tired of not being molested by you, that's why.
Hey, you! Girl with the ponytail! Get over here and paw at me!
Look, let's be honest. I'm a PA, so I'm kind of a slob. I wear a t-shirt and jeans every day, I'm not going to get noticed at the clubs, and hitting on random girls on the street is kind of intimidating. I need work booty. The chance of career-related sexual treasure is the only reason I work here. Give us a break. Sleep with the damn PAs already.
I'm not going to beg you. My job is already humiliating enough without added groveling. But I'll leave you with this: You know copping a feel on the PAs is right. You know it's only natural to sleep with us, and by defying nature, you're defying God, and Buddha, and to a lesser extent, Hugh Hefner. Hefner knows how to treat his "assistants". Perhaps you could use a few lessons from him.
I'll be here waiting when you get back. That's what I get paid to do: Sit here and wait all day. I'm not wearing bunny ears like Hef's assistants, but I can if you want me to. I'm a PA, so that's what I do. I make difficult duties a little easier for people like you.
