Note: This column was written specifically for the Reader Weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN.
April Fools Day is approaching, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to add tomfoolery to your life. What a troublesome time to write a humor column. Everyone expects something big for April Fools Day, but there's no way for me to follow through. It's a newspaper! What can I do in a newspaper?
I'm sure the Duluth News Tribune could afford to do something cool, like have a cardboard version of columnist Sam Cook's head pop up when you open the paper, but here at the Reader Weekly, we're on a very fixed income. And by "fixed", I mean "imaginary".
If this were a website, I could make something weird happen on your computer screen. I could trick you into viewing porn, or cause loud farting noises to blast through your computer speakers, but not with a newspaper. This is just killing me, watching you sit there in a public coffee shop looking all trendy and hip, and not being able to embarrass you. What a shame.
Sure, I could be shocking. I could throw in a few swear words or talk about something distasteful, but honestly, when don't I do that? It's a card I've played too many times. Like a father using the "got your nose" trick on his 47-year-old son, my shock tactics have lost their effect. I've painted myself into a proverbial corner. After three years of writing this column, liberal helpings of profanity and borderline pornographic subject topics have become dull. I've become Tom Green. There's no level left to climb up to. I'm at the top of the building, and the only trick left is to dive off the ledge and go splat.
I'm sure some of you are hoping that I'm speaking literally. Tough luck, my dear antagonists.
I suppose I have to think of something to do. Perhaps I can embarrass you by impressing you so much that you fall out of your chair. Here it goes. Ready? Okay. I'm typing this in the bathroom. Multi-tasking, if you will. My pants are around my ankles, and I'm using a 24-pack of toilet paper as a little table for my laptop. It's kind of adorable, if you think about it. A little columnist man sitting on the toilet, typing away.
What? You don't find that impressive? When was the last time you were this inventive? Don't look at me like that. You'd think it was cute if "The Family Circus" printed a cartoon with little Billy sitting on the toilet. In fact, I'd pretty sure you'd see pastors hanging it on their office walls.
My dear readers, it's obvious I can't bring you the joy you deserve on this fine first day of April. All I can do is suggest that you make up for my incompetence by fooling yourself today. Replace your hair gel with toothpaste. Mix detergent into your grape jelly jar. Give your dog Ex-lax. During the last five minutes of work, do a classic pie-in-the-face gag . . . on yourself.
I can't help you today, reader. I apologize for my failures. I'll do better next week, when I can go back to angering you by writing about things completely unrelated to Duluth.
