Do you know what time it is? Do you know what friggin' time it is?!? It's an hour past what my watch shows. Nobody told me we were supposed to turn the clocks ahead an hour, and now I'm a failure.
Well, okay, I've always been kind of a failure, but I was a punctual failure. Now I'm a tardy failure, and other failures will lose respect for me. And I can't live in a world where Tara Reid and that guy from the band "Creed" don't respect me.
The local news services are supposed to inform me of all time changes. I read three different online newspapers each morning, but none of them told me what to do. They just sat there and let me fail. The vicious, filthy bastards reported on it last year, putting a big graphic on their front page. "CHANGE YOUR DAMN CLOCKS TOMORROW!" it said. This year a reminder was nowhere to be found.
I thought it was the media's job to tell me how to think and live every moment of my life, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I'll have to make my own choices from now on.
In that spirit, I'd like to announce that I'm now against giving more rights to illegal immigrants. Take that, Los Angeles Times!
Actually, I was against it anyway, but let's talk about something more important, like the fact that I slept until 1pm on Sunday because no one reminded me of the clock thingy. A man can't eat breakfast at 1pm, reader. Noon is okay, but 1pm? That's unacceptable. There are some things in this world that just aren't done. In a properly functioning society, a person should never murder, rape, or eat breakfast in the afternoon.
Why do we even have the clock thingy anymore? World War I is not still upon us. Our lamps don't use precious fuel that needs to be conserved. I'm not a farmer. A triumphant day at my crappy office job is not dependent on proper sunlight. The office has florescent lights and my car has headlights. If farmers want an extra hour of light, then tell the lazy bastards to get up an hour earlier.*
*Yes, I know farmers generally oppose Daylight Saving Time, but the opportunity for jokes was too rich. Rich like the sweet, sweet soil which births our nation's fruits and vegetables.
And tell them to stop making Red Delicious apples that taste like mushy poop. You've crossbred the seeds too much, you imbeciles! Haven't you seen what inbreeding did to British royalty? Enormous, buck-toothed monsters, they are!
Anyway, I'm not observing Daylight Saving Time this year. I refuse to move my clocks forward, and I demand that everyone respect my choice and not bitch at me for being late to things. If you throw a party and don't want people to arrive before 8pm, you better tell me it's at 9pm, otherwise I'll be sitting on your couch eating your delicious cheese crackers at 7pm.
Perhaps it would be easier if you just joined my fight against the clock thingy. No more clock thingy! Death to the clock thingy! To hell with your stinky little power conserving clocks of damnation!
