Cologne is a magical beast. It attracts women, masks a lack of showering, and sometimes even serves as a liquid panty remover. Or at least that's what this guy at work keeps telling me. He's 47 and has never been married.
Our ridiculous conversation is delving deep enough that we've even begun discussing the viable effectiveness of Aqua Di Gio and Tommyboy (I'm claiming they're outdated). It was during this claim that the man scoffed and asked me what kind of cologne I wear. The question brought me to a startling realization.
I have no idea what type of cologne I wear.
Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not a man who neglects the need for cologne. I put some on every time I'm going to be around people, which outside of work is roughly four times per calendar year.
But I use the real stuff, reader. None of this cheap knockoff cologne made by angry hispanics in underdeveloped countries. My cologne is expensive, name brand stuff, made by angry hispanics in properly developed countries. So it's not like I went to the store, haphazardly bought some generic man scent, and never thought about it again. A lot of careful preparation went into my cologne selection.
Years ago, when I bought the cologne I'm currently using, all I had was Tommyboy and Aqua Di Gio. It was time for a change. I had recently graduated from college and needed something new, something non-fratboyish. So I braved the department stores, tested cologne until I had a blazing migraine and an arm that stunk like a cheap elderly hooker, and made my choice.
No, I didn't choose "Joop". Don't test my patience, reader.
I know the cologne it's made by a major company, and I want to say it's called "Night" or "Midnight" or "Surrender, Bitch!" or something like that. The cologne bottle gives me no clues. It's tall, thin, circular, black, and has no writing on it whatsoever. Nice marketing, asshippies.
I also remember that the box came in a wrapper, not unlike fancy crackers. Stinky, somewhat poisonous fancy crackers.
A quick search of the internet found only one match: Emporio Armani. That's all it's called, I guess. No exciting name, just a french word that refers to sweeping floors. Or possibly "taking away". The latter sounds slightly more romantic.
The description of my cologne is even more interesting: "A sharp, woody, mossy fragrance. This masculine scent possesses a blend of spices, vetiver and low undertones of aromatic woods and musk. It is recommended for daytime wear."
Mossy? What the hell? I smell like spores? I smell like a vile weed? I will attract ladies when I am securely attached to the wall of a castle? That is the worst description of a smell I've ever read. My cologne smells nothing like that.
At least I can feel comfortable while using my cologne for "daytime wear". If people make fun of me for wearing cologne during non-party situations, I can arch my right eyebrow and scoff, "Don't you know? It's made for daytime wear, bitch."
Now that I know what cologne I wear, and now that I've also shared the information with you, please don't steal my choice of cologne. I'm a man with few ladies to please, and if a bunch of other dudes are copying my awesome Stink Vibe, the ladies will be less impressed. And really, after reading this column and many others that I've written, don't you think I need as much help as I can get?
