Name: Paul Alfonso Ryan
Age: 26 years of glorious failure.
Height/Weight: 5'11", 160lbs.
Body Type: Sexually alluring.
Ethnicity: African-American.
Orientation: Straight, with no curiosity for t-girls.
Location: Los Feliz neighborhood, Los Angeles
Hometown: Piece of Crap, MN
Education: Mediocre effort and grades led to bachelor's degree from small, deficient college.
Occupation: Olympic champion/Unemployed.
Worth: While Mr. Ryan's modest nature makes it difficult to ascertain his worth, most experts estimate it to be somewhere around $47. If you include his possessions in the equation, it's around $53.43.
Resembles: Bill the Cat, from the comic strip Bloom County.
Interests: Porn, alcohol, Madden '06, taking photos of his own buttocks, trolling for junior high school girls on MySpace, farting competitively, altering pictures of baseball great Goose Gossage in Adobe Photoshop to make them sexual.
Most Valued Possessions: 2001 Ford Escort, Mr. Bean DVD box set.
Shower/Bathing Schedule: Daily!
Balding? Not yet! What a catch!
Overweight? Not unless you're talking about his [Censored]!*
*We hold no guarantee as to the width or thickness of Mr. Ryan's [Censored]. Proper or adequate width of a [Censored] is "in the eye of the beholder", as the old saying goes. What may make one person say "My, that's an irregularly wide [Censored]" may bore someone else. Caveat emptor, my friends.
Breath smells like: Colgate Sparkling White Mint Zing toothpaste.
Children? Possibly, though upon realization of who the father was, any children were probably aborted using Lysol. We're not sure how one would accomplish this feat with Lysol, but it sounds funny. Well, it does as long as you haven't had an abortion. If you have, it's probably not that funny. But to hell with you, buzzkill.
Religion: No thanks.
Smoker? No.
Drinker? Oh God, yes.
Favorite Things: Shiny items, and anything that makes amusing noises.
Afraid of Clowns? No.
Afraid of Guy Who Molests Cow on Hardee's/Carl's Jr. Commercial? Yes.
High School ACT Score: 26, I think
High School Baseball Batting Average: .041
Accomplishments: None on record.
