I wouldn't want to sit on a toilet seat at a porn convention. I'd poop standing up instead.
If you live in a town where the greatest attraction is something related to history, you should move away from that town.
A belly button is like a vagina that shrunk in the washing machine.
I mostly eat finger foods, and don't use forks often, and when I do, I hold the fork like a disabled kid would. I just thought you'd like to know that.
Cold weather is only good if you're trying to breed with someone.
How come nobody uses the word "fanny" anymore? It means buttocks. It's mildly amusing, but only the first time you say it. Maybe that's why nobody uses it anymore.
Coachella: hip, hot indie music festival. Warped Tour: tired, played-out pop-punk music festival. Coachella: two days, 20 bands I want to see. Warped Tour: one day, 13 bands I want to see. Coachella: in a big grassy field on a Saturday and Sunday. Warped Tour: in a paved parking lot on a freaking Wednesday. Coachella: $98.63 per day. Warped Tour: $41.05 per day. Verdict: undecided.
If you're an attractive woman who will be at Coachella, feel free to sway my decision. I accept naughty photos, promises of intercourse, and offers of free drugs free booze friendship.
Has a person with no arms ever tried to become a baton twirler? That would be stupid. You can't twirl a baton, fool.
Parents, if you only remember one thing about parenting, let it be this: Bestiality starts in 4-H.
If Walmart sold cocaine, a lot more southern people would buy cocaine. And small, personal-sized mirrors. Southern people could stand to have a few more mirrors in their houses.
If you go to renaissance fairs, you're probably a little overweight.
Who likes monkeys? Pretty much everyone.
Watching each week's episode of "The OC" hurts all five of my senses at once. Except for my sense of smell. And my sense of touch. And the other sense besides seeing and hearing. But watching it is still painful.
Volunteers at the zoo probably have to touch poop.
Nobody cares if you won a hot dog eating contest. No, seriously. Nobody cares. It's gross.
Please stop talking about the dumb things Tom Cruise says. Just ignore the quotes about placenta eating. If you ignore him and his creepy wife, they'll get weak and die of loneliness.
You can only list alcohol and drugs as tax write-offs if you're a stripper. However, you're on your own with the Astroglide.
Flip-flops are not to be worn anywhere except the beach. If I hear or see them indoors, it better be inside a trailer park where they belong.
Mandy Moore is uglier than she used to be, and I can't figure out why.
If you refer to this latest generation of people as "Millenials", give me your address so I can come beat the crap out of you.
