Tiger Beat magazine, which I have been a faithful subscriber to since 1967, recently printed an article about how to be a teen idol. I know this because, as I just said, I love Tiger Beat magazine. Love it, love it, love it! I read it every day, even if I've already read the same issue dozens of times.
Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Corey Koskie of the Milwaukee Brewers: These are just a few of the glorious man faces that have graced the cover of Tiger Beat magazine. With the help of the "How to be a teen heartthrob" article, perhaps I could sculpt my own man face into a Tiger Beat man face.
Oh my God. I think the excitement just made me have an accident.
According to the article, which was printed in the Los Angeles Times - a fine newspaper that knows exactly which important news items to plaster on its website's front page - there are only eleven requirements for becoming the next Tiger Beat man coverer. Oh, how I'd love to be on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine. I actually pay for two subscriptions, so I can save one issue in mint condition. The copy I read is usually so torn up and sticky at the end of the month that it's not worth saving.
Here's the tips from Tiger Beat photo editor Nicole Coppola, who definitely isn't someone you should suspect of being a pedophile:
1. You need to have shaggy hair. Check. My hair is shaggy like the dickens, much shaggier than most teen idols of the past. Eat crap, Leif Garrett.
2. Dreamy eyes. Maybe? I don't know. My eyes are a deep blue, but I can't . . . I can't actually see my own eyes. It's physically impossible. I can look in a mirror, but then I'm just looking at my eyes backward. I can take a photo, but it's never the same as seeing people in person. I will never actually know what my eyes look like normally. That's so depressing.
3. No girlfriend, but it is important to have celebrity friends. No girlfriend? I'm the freaking king of not having girlfriends. Seriously, my parents have been disappointed in me for years. I don't have many celebrity friends, but it can't be that hard to get a few washed up hacks. It's not like Leif Garrett has anything better to do than follow me around for $20 a day. How much does smack cost? Ten bucks if it's laced with enough drain cleaner?
4. You need a multi-hyphenated career. Check. I'm a writer-comedian-actor-photographer-amateur rhinoplaster-website designer-horse rapist-copy editor-cat masseuse.
5. You gotta dance. Damn it to hell.
6. Have fashion sense. Seriously, cut me a break here.
7. It is important to be physical and athletic. You're just screwing with me now, aren't you? I swear to God, I'll cancel my Tiger Beat subscription. No I won't.
8. You gotta have an interesting name. Tiger Beat magazine, which I sometimes sleep with in my bed, says simple names like mine should be made exotic by ending them with an "i" or "y" sound. Paully? Pauli? Paulee? I'm not so sure any of these will be respected by the ladies.
9. Be a great storyteller who is specific. They need to know my favorite candy, because "your fans will mail you your favorite candy"? This is the greatest job ever. Will they send me whiskey and Vicodin too? They better if they don't wanna be kicked out of the official fan club.
10. Know how to pose. According to Tiger Beat magazine, the glossy pages of which I sometimes rub all over my naked body, says the two best teen idol poses are the "sensitive caring look" and the "I'm having fun" look. So basically I just need to look kind of mentally retarded at all times. Check.
11. You have to have a clean-cut image. "You don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't swear...like Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy, and Simple Plan." Um . . . okay. Let's just hold on for a second. Give me a minute here. I love you Tiger Beat magazine, sometimes literally in my bathroom, but I can't be a successful heartthrob if Im unable to stop throwing up. I'll do a lot of things, but that request goes too far. I'm out.
