Like most writers, I'm working on a book. Like most writers, I've been working on this book for a ridiculously long period of time. Like most writers, I will more than likely never finish this damn book. Here's a depressing list of things I tend to do instead of working on my book.
1. Check my e-mail for the 43rd time this morning.
2. Check my other e-mail address for the 43rd time this morning.
3. Check my MySpace profile for the 43rd time this morning, despite the fact that it e-mails me when people leave comments or send messages.
4. Play Madden 2006, keep trading up for the first draft pick each year so I can get a good quarterback, despite the fact that my own poor skills are the only reason my previous quarterbacks haven't been succeeding.
5. Alphabetize my vinyl record collection, then realize how dorky that is and spend even more time rearranging them to make it look like they've been spontaneously placed in my bookcase.
6. Work on the play I'm writing, which will never be read because, A) People in Los Angeles think theater is a place you go to see "Mission Impossible III", and B) No actor in their right mind would want to be in a play where every time a character dies, they have to lie on the stage for the entire rest of the play. That's the fun part. Nearly the whole cast dies, and by the end of the play, the rest of the actors are having difficulty walking anywhere without having to step over dead bodies. Admit it, you'd pay to see it.
7. Watch 14 hours of Blackadder episodes.
8. Write a column for this stupid effing website.
9. Read the blogs of people I haven't spoken to in five years, and still have no desire to speak to.
10. Take a shower, despite the fact that I have no plans or desire to go outside today.
11. Surf the internet aimlessly, because I don't have the drive or ambition to find something worthwhile to do.
12. Rock out to Homestarrunner's King of Town remix. It's quite good.
13. Watch some crappy Netflix movie that I only rented because it was nominated for an Oscar. Though I won't enjoy the movie at any point, I'll refuse to shut it off because, as I mentioned, the film was nominated for an Oscar and I'm supposed to like it, even though it sucks. Just like "A History of Violence". And "Pride and Prejudice". And "Junebug". And "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". And "March of the Penguins". That's right, I said "March of the Penguins". It was boring. Deal with it, spazz!
14. Stare into the refrigerator for four minutes, then stare into the cupboards for four minutes, then go back to the refrigerator again.
15. Sit on fire escape and watch the neighborhood goings-on while drinking Coors Light. Think about how my life is no different from a common household dog. Think about how poor I am that I have to drink Coors Light.
16. Try to think of the 16th thing I will do instead of writing book, but fail miserably.
