The internet is a magical place for children. Most parents are so computer illiterate that they have no idea how to restrict access to adult sites. Even parents who are good with computers have trouble keeping their 16-year-olds from uploading sexy personal photos to their MySpace profiles. All of this provides modern teenagers with a massive supply of things to masturbate to online.
Horny teenagers today are spoiled because the internet provides mountains of free porn. But what did kids use before the internet was invented? The world was a much different place. Until the internet brought discreet hardcore action into our homes, those wishing for stimulation had to use more unusual methods.
It's important for parents today to talk to their kids about primitive forms of masturbation. This is partly so your children will appreciate their ease of living, and partly so you can see the hilarious, horrified look on their face when you bring up the topic. Here's how a typical conversation should go:
Dad: Son, the other day I was looking through the computer's browser history, and I noticed you visited sploogeonthatbitch.org for nearly three hours. While I'm sure all this hardcore porn you constantly view will cause some sort of erectile disfunction when you realize that real women don't usually like taking one in the face, that's not my concern. My worry is that I haven't taught you enough.
Son: You're not going to molest me, are you?
Dad: No. I'll leave that to one of your unmarried uncles. I just want to tell you how I used to masturbate when I was a teenager.
Son: Oh God, no. (puts head in hands)
Dad: These days I just masturbate in the bathroom at work while thinking of my secretary. Then when I come home, I pop a load in your mother while pretending she's someone else. But when I was a kid, I didn't know desperate women like your mother, so I had to masturbate. Here's a few things I used:
National Geographic magazine
In the early '80s, even porn for adults was scarce. Cable TV? Few people had it, and Cinemax was more like Turner Classic Movies than the softcore porn juggernaut it is today. VHS porn? Only the early adopters of the technology were treated to such material. For anyone too respectable to walk into a dirty bookstore, National Geographic was the best and only source of naked boobies in town. The eyes of this now-famous Afghan refugee are known around the world for both showing the fear of oppressed people and springing the loins of heartless, unethical masturbators.
Sexy Stangs Magazine
For years, teenage boys too young to buy actual porn opted for the fake-boobed bikini women of car magazines. The truly dedicated sometimes bought tracing paper so they could redraw the bikini women without their bikinis. Most of us, myself included, had no idea why someone would want to masturbate to tracing paper, but it's a good example of how desperate people were in those days.
Cosmopolitan magazine
Too timid to even buy "Sexy Stangs"? Pick up a copy of Cosmo for your mother. Or so you claim to the laughing sales clerk.
Your school yearbook
Don't look at me like that! I won't allow my more sensitive readers to bully me into creating an incomplete list. Kids masturbate to their high school yearbooks, and I wouldn't doubt if a few really lonely older people still masturbate to their high school yearbooks. That's what the damn things were created for.
Cartoon shows
There isn't a single person who watched cartoons in the 80s and didn't find at least one of the characters attractive. Perhaps it was a superhero type like She-Ra, or a dumb redhead like Daphne from Scooby Doo, or a slightly creepy blue rodent-like creature such as Smurfette, or the big penis hat wearing Dumb Donald from Fat Albert. No matter which character was your favorite, one fact remains true: You're now really messed up because of it. But not as messed up as a 14-year-old who has seen fisting on the internet.
Sears catalog
As I'm compiling this list, I can't help but think of how creepy all these items seem. National Geographic? The bra ads in a clothing catalog? Children's cartoon characters? Viewing hardcore material online has become so normal that now these older methods seem really, really kinky. It's almost like you couldn't pick up an item in a person's house in the '80s without fear that it was splooged on. Yikes.
Ranger Rick special edition owls issue
Ohhhh, Mr. Owl.
Highlights magazine
The largest subscriber base for Highlights is parents with young children. Almost as large is the entire membership of NAMBLA. Do the editors of Highlights realize how creepy their drawings of little kids are? Actually, I've never heard of anyone using this magazine for self-flogging purposes back in the day, but I thought it'd be funny to throw in a NAMBLA joke. If you were molested as a child, such jokes are probably less amusing. But I don't care.
Natalie from "The Facts of Life" TV show
Ha ha, just kidding! Only Kyle Nutting from Richfield High School, class of 1997, now living with his wife Anna and their newborn child, ever masturbated to Natalie from "The Facts of Life". Kyle's mom would constantly complain about the sticky TV set.
