I've wanted this for a long time, ever since I was a little boy. Now that it's done, I'm happier than I've ever been. I know you don't approve of unnecessary surgery, dear reader, but that's okay. You don't have to. I'm a grown man, and this was my decision. I don't need anyone else's approval on my personal choices.
I didn't just do it for vanity, though. I did it to improve my self-esteem. I needed this, and if people aren't able to understand that, then I have no time for them. This is a new me, and I'm very proud of the changes I've made.
I had a breast augmentation yesterday.
That's the word they use for it nowadays, because it's not just enlargements anymore. Most people enbiggen them, and some people reduce the size to relieve lower back pain, but many people have them lifted to fix the drooping caused by childbirth.
I'm unable to have children, so obviously I was just looking to lift them for . . . um . . . well, I'm not sure why. I am 27 years old, so perhaps they've drooped a little. I haven't noticed them drooping or anything. I just . . . I saw an ad in L.A. Weekly for breast augmentation, and I felt the urge to get my man boobs lifted. Is that so wrong?
It is? Damn. My bad.
Actually, I don't really have "man boobs". They're more like "man bumps". Either way, I'm still happy with the augmentation. In the past, I'd walk down the street with my eyes aimed toward the sidewalk, depressed about the way I looked. I'm still walking that way today, but it's not because I'm depressed. It's because I just can't take my eyes off my awesome augmentatious moobs.
Yup. Moobs. That's what I'm calling them. Just like a man's purse is a murse, a man's boobs are moobs. Feel free to e-mail that to People Magazine. I'll wait while you do.
All set? Cool. Let's move on.
Moobs shouldn't be confused with "moops" from the show Seinfeld. Moops are the misprinted name of the group that invaded Spain in the 8th century. Moobs are manly bosoms.
It's amazing how a bit of unnecessary surgery that never actually took place, even though you were sedated and charged thousands of dollars for it, can brighten your day. Normally I walk around my neighborhood all day sobbing loudly and making myself throw up so people will look at me, but today I just sat at House of Pies with my shirt off, waiting for compliments. Most family restaurants won't let you sit with your shirt off, getting hair all over the meals of other customers, but HOP will. Most of the meals already have hair on them.
I feel great. Thank you, unlicensed breast augmentation doctor in Tijuana!
