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A short one-act play about Cingular Wireless

original print date, May 12 2006

     
                Paul Ryan

Note: This is an actual experience I had on Thursday. The conversation hasn't been altered.


The scene opens at a Cingular Wireless store. Paul, a thin, plain 27-year-old who angers easily, is waiting impatiently for service.

Paul: I'm a customer who's physically in your store and might spend money. Why am I waiting while you talk to a customer who's on the phone and probably won't spend money?

Cingular guy: Sorry, sir. It'll just be a minute.

Paul: (Under his breath) Maybe if I walk in ringing a bell, I'll actually get some help.

(Thirty minutes pass. Tech note: The audience watching the play will be forced to sit through the entire 30 minutes, because the author of the play is a sadist.)

Cingular guy: Okay, what can I help you with?

Paul: My phone broke yesterday. The screen got smashed up. Can I get a new one?

Cingular guy: Did you buy the protection program?

Paul: No.

Cingular guy: Sorry, then we can't replace it.

Paul: I don't need a protection program. The phone has a one-year warranty.

Cingular guy: Yeah, but breaking the phone voids the warranty.

(Beat)

Paul: The whole reason for warranties is in case the phone accidentally breaks.

Cingular guy: We offer a protection program for that purpose.

Paul: For what purpose? To make the warranty useless? All right, fine, whatever. I'll get a new phone. The RAZRs are $100, right?

Cingular guy: Only when you buy it with a two year contract. Since you're already under contract with us, you'd have to pay $300.

(Beat)

Paul: I need to speak to your manager.

Cingular guy: We don't have a manager.

Paul: How can you not have a manager?

Cingular guy: We manage ourselves. All our branch stores do.

Paul: You're fucking with me. Who opens the doors in the morning?

Cingular guy: I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.

Paul: Not until I talk to a manager or someone who runs this place.

Cingular guy: (Escorting Paul out the door) You can dial 611 on your phone for a customer service representative.

Paul: No I can't. My goddamn phone's broken!

Lights down as Paul storms back to his car. Aaaand . . . scene!


Congratulations, Cingular. After my contract is up, you'll never see a penny of business from me again. You'll also never see business from my friends, family, or any of the places I work, either. In fact, just today my boss asked me for advice on cellphones, and I told him to use "anything but Cingular." You're welcome. Maybe next time you adjust your business plan, you'll decide not to unethically screw people when they have a bit of bad luck. Until then, I'll be buying a used phone on Ebay that works with your service, instead of giving money to your stores.


                           

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 Reader Comments
page:   1
kel     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
opperation mutilation: cingular
Yvette     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
They have the most stupid, boring ads ever! I hate them! It\'s always the same-they give you a deal to get you, and then take you bigtime when something goes wrong.
Coletteo     Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm  
I think the uncooperativity (is that a word?) of people in phone stores comes from a lack of competition. Face it. They have what you want, and they can abuse you (collectivly) as much as they want and you\'ll still end up ginving one of them money. It\'s a lose-lose situation for the customer.
Nick     Feb 7, 8409 • 11:47am  
Yeah, Cingular\'s Protection Plan is a bunch of horse shit anyways. Even if you accidentally break the phone or whatever, they still have about 900 little loopholes they can use to get out of paying you. Filthy donkey raping shit eaters!
Bec     Feb 7, 4590 • 11:47am  
I hated Cingular since...well, forever. Pay-as-you go, baby, pay as you go...although those stupid contracts really bite ya in the ass.
Jess     Feb 7, 2245 • 11:47am  
They sound like Telecom. Argh.
Dennis     Feb 7, 7371 • 11:47am  
Good for you. Sprint is bad, too. They\'ve been abusing my posterior without even the courtesy of a \"reach-around\" for almost 5 years now.
Beefcake Pantyhose     Feb 7, 3305 • 11:47am  
Bravo, paulywog, bravo. Over here on the right coast, Cingular has been a dick in my ass for years. Let\'s blow up their corporate headquarters.
page:   1




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