Note: This is an actual experience I had on Thursday. The conversation hasn't been altered.
The scene opens at a Cingular Wireless store. Paul, a thin, plain 27-year-old who angers easily, is waiting impatiently for service.
Paul: I'm a customer who's physically in your store and might spend money. Why am I waiting while you talk to a customer who's on the phone and probably won't spend money?
Cingular guy: Sorry, sir. It'll just be a minute.
Paul: (Under his breath) Maybe if I walk in ringing a bell, I'll actually get some help.
Cingular guy: Okay, what can I help you with?
Paul: My phone broke yesterday. The screen got smashed up. Can I get a new one?
Cingular guy: Did you buy the protection program?
Paul: No.
Cingular guy: Sorry, then we can't replace it.
Paul: I don't need a protection program. The phone has a one-year warranty.
Cingular guy: Yeah, but breaking the phone voids the warranty.
Paul: The whole reason for warranties is in case the phone accidentally breaks.
Cingular guy: We offer a protection program for that purpose.
Paul: For what purpose? To make the warranty useless? All right, fine, whatever. I'll get a new phone. The RAZRs are $100, right?
Cingular guy: Only when you buy it with a two year contract. Since you're already under contract with us, you'd have to pay $300.
Paul: I need to speak to your manager.
Cingular guy: We don't have a manager.
Paul: How can you not have a manager?
Cingular guy: We manage ourselves. All our branch stores do.
Paul: You're fucking with me. Who opens the doors in the morning?
Cingular guy: I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.
Paul: Not until I talk to a manager or someone who runs this place.
Cingular guy: (Escorting Paul out the door) You can dial 611 on your phone for a customer service representative.
Paul: No I can't. My goddamn phone's broken!
Lights down as Paul storms back to his car. Aaaand . . . scene!
Congratulations, Cingular. After my contract is up, you'll never see a penny of business from me again. You'll also never see business from my friends, family, or any of the places I work, either. In fact, just today my boss asked me for advice on cellphones, and I told him to use "anything but Cingular." You're welcome. Maybe next time you adjust your business plan, you'll decide not to unethically screw people when they have a bit of bad luck. Until then, I'll be buying a used phone on Ebay that works with your service, instead of giving money to your stores.
