I've always laughed when girls complained about their loser boyfriends. "He can't even keep a steady job!" they'd say. "He always makes me drive because he's too cheap to buy gas!" they'd say. "He always has a fridge full of expensive beer, but we only eat at places that have a dollar menu!" they'd say.
Yes, I used to laugh heartily and wonder why girls would ever date such pathetic men. There are so many guys in the world, why pick some loser who only works half the days of each month? Sadly, those words are now coming back to haunt me.
I have become one of those men.
I can't get a full-time job. I lie and tell people my car broke down so they'll drive. I always have a fridge full of good beer, but I refuse to eat anywhere that doesn't offer a double cheeseburger and small fries for $2 (If you eat at the outdoor tables, you can bring your own can of soda and the McDonald's staff won't notice).
For the past few months, I've started every day at home in my underoos, waiting to get called into work. It's not until now that I finally understand why girls date underemployed guys who are too cheap to buy them a decent dinner. We're everywhere! Temporarily-employed dregs like myself are strong in numbers, and as time keeps ticking and job security continues to dry up in our society, our numbers will only grow.
So be nice to us.
Don't mistake us for the welfare boys. We're not unemployed, we're just not fully employed. We haven't lost our driver's license to a DUI, but we don't necessarily use our driver's license either. We have some nice things, we just can't afford to buy more nice things. We're the halfway house to suburbia, and the fact that we're so frighteningly similar to you makes us untouchable by your scorn.
You can't call us lazy, because we're just as eager to work as you are. You can't badmouth us, because you'll look like an ass when we respond with our cute puppy dog stories of desperately wanting to be loved by a workplace, but never finding one that will. You can't mock us, because if you do, karma will make sure you become one of us very soon.
Don't believe me? Just take a closer look at your job. How many people have the same title as you, or do work similar to yours? When you call in sick, doesn't incoming work just get passed to one of those people? How many hours of the day do each of you actually spend doing work? How much money would your employer save if they only called you in when there was a full day's work to do?
The only difference between us and you is that your employer isn't very careful with money.
But wait ten years and see how that changes. Watch as the price of health insurance rises each year, my friends. The number of older people keeps increasing, as does their lifespan. The price of health insurance will never go back down, and each increase in its cost is like a clock ticking down the moments until you become temporarily employed.
The day will come sooner than you think, and I'm excited for it, because it's hard to get a girlfriend when they still have hope of finding a guy like you who isn't cheap.
