As the second largest city in the nation, Los Angeles has some great food. If you're willing to sell your house, car, and most of your possessions for one meal, you can find some of the greatest food in the country here. But if this town is so fond of good food, why do the restaurants favored by locals serve such horrible crap?
I'm not a big spender, but I don't mind paying for good food. The 101 Coffee Shop in Hollywood charges $7-$8 for a breakfast, but it's the best breakfast you'll ever taste. A slice of pie at House of Pies is $4-$5, but each piece is huge and delicious.
However, last night some friends and I went to Canter's - a very old diner-style restaurant that's famous here - and the food was almost as horrible as it was expensive. Big New York style deli sandwiches are great, but not when the cuts of meat are thick enough to clog the throat of a veteran hooker.
I'm not a food snob. I love greasy diners, cheeseburgers from White Castle, and peanut butter toast made at home. I'm willing to put up with a lot, but poorly sliced meat is inexcusable for a place that calls itself a famous deli. The beef dip I ordered had chunks of meat that seemed to be cut with a wood chipper. The meat was dry, the bun was hard, and most of the french fries were so rigid that they should have come with a dentist to fix your broken teeth.
I paid $12 for this meal.
The only redeeming quality of Canter's was getting to watch a supermodel-quality blonde girl nearly throw up on a table. It was great. She came in looking all hot and gorgeous, but at her table she kept staring blankly into space and puckering her lips like she was going to disgorge every Saltine cracker she had eaten for lunch that week. I originally started gawking at her because she was pretty, but at the end I was staring in anticipation of The Great Blonde Kecking of 2006. Sadly, she never delivered.
I'm sorry, that was a weird tangent. The point is that I spent $12 for a lousy sandwich, and I'm upset about it. I need to find some diners in L.A. that don't claim to have famous customers, and therefore don't kick me in the balls when the bill arrives. You know a place is expensive when you see a peanut butter and jelly sandwich listed at $4. For that price, the peanut butter better be made by smashing actual peanuts, and the jelly better be from Keira Knightley squishing berries between her tits.
Actually, I'd probably pay a lot more than $4 for that. But I digress.
Los Angeles, it's time to give me a place to slum. Just one restaurant where a meal costs $5. One bar where a beer is $2.50. One diner where the bathroom doesn't keep the hobos away by requiring you to insert a token. Give me a Paul Place™, my fine city. Paul needs a Place to waste his money and feel good about it.
