Yesterday a friend told me about a new website that's supposed to be the next big thing. The great internets brought us MySpace for social networking, Flickr for sharing photos, YouTube for sharing videos, and now Stickam, which lets webcam owners record videos and host their own video chats, even on other websites. It's easy to use, the video flows smoothly, and the settings allow you to easily control privacy. You get unlimited bandwidth and 500 MB of space for storing videos, photos, or music.
As a little boy growing up in the cold, desolate ghettos of southern Poland, my favorite cartoon was The Jetsons. I desperately wished for a video phone like theirs, but after my family escaped the advances of Hitler and moved into a small unisex restroom in Switzerland, my chances seemed bleak.
When my father was caught stealing macaroons from a local Shop of Nuts™, our family was forced to immigrate to Richfield, MN, a place not so different from the public toilet in Switzerland. It was here that I caught my first glimpse of the internet, and I instantly knew its greater purpose was to make my video phone dream come true.
Unfortunately, progress was slow. The video streams provided by webcams were choppy at best, not nearly good enough to see Cosmo G. Spacely from Spacely Sprokets at his angriest. As every other portion of the internet advanced, webcams stayed the same, because the only people who appreciated them were teenage boys on Yahoo Chat who wanted to see boobs.
They never saw boobs, but they still appreciated the opportunity.
I graduated high school, but grew tired of bailing my father out of jail for his passionate macaroon crimes. This led to me enrolling at UWS, the University of Woozy Scenesters, where I learned nothing except how to drink large amounts of whiskey. It was only yesterday that I awoke from a nine-year hangover to find myself unemployed and living in Los Angeles. But I awoke to Stickam on my computer, and my dream of a videophone was realized.
And you know what I've learned? Having a video phone is freakin' boring. People are boring as hell. Why the hell do you need to see people while you're talking to them anyway? Most of my friends are ugly, and sometimes they scratch their balls when they're talking to me, and even though the webcam isn't pointed down there, I can still tell what they're doing, so I'm like, "Hey douche, get your hands off your balls", and they're like, "Fuck you, I can touch my balls all I want", and I'm like, "Yeah, well I'm gonna drag my laptop into the bathroom and take a dump on the floor in front of it", and they're like, "Whatever, I'm gonna go watch a random sporting event on TV", and I'm like, "Whatever, you're watching the Tyra Banks show that your mom tapes for you every day."
So maybe I'll focus on the robot maid or automatic food machine from The Jetsons. But Stickam is probably pretty cool if your friends are attractive and don't play with themselves. If the creators of Stickam want to use that as their slogan, they can have it free of charge.
