Let's Pretend I'm A Bus Driver

My goodness, it sure was nice of Maude, my wife, to pack me a lunch today. There's two sandwiches, an apple, some little snack crackers and a soda. Oh, there's a little note, too! "Have a good lunch. Love, Maude." How nice of her to write a note, just for me. Boy, she sure is a swell girl, and I'll bet . . .

HEY! SHUT UP, YOU GODDAMN KIDS! SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUP! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU FAT LITTLE CHILDREN TO SHUT UP ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA COME BACK THERE AND RIP OUT THE GROIN OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

It's such a lovely day outside. The playful chirps of the birds and beauty of the country roadside are really quite heavenly. I almost feel like singing a gay tune myself! But what to sing? I could sing something from "The Sound of Music", or "Mary Poppins". Maybe an old showtune? Oh, the choices are so plentiful in this wonderful . . .

STOP PRESSING THE GODDAMN STOP BELL! IT'S NOT FOR YOU DAMN BASTARD SCHOOLCHILDREN TO PLAY WITH ON THE WAY TO YOUR STUPID FIELD TRIP, IT'S FOR THE REGULAR BUS SERVICE, FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET OFF THE BUS! PRESS IT ONE MORE TIME, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL RIP THE SHIFTER RIGHT OFF THIS BUS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

I wish I could drive a carriage instead of this bus. A carriage is so much more romantic. Me with a suit that has coattails, and a top hat. "Hello, fine couple, where can I escort you today? "Oh, what fun! I absolutely adore coattails! I would name my horse "Aphrodite", because that's the name of the Greek God of love and . . .

THAT'S IT! THAT'S F***ING IT! IF I GET HIT IN THE HEAD WITH ONE MORE THING, I'M GONNA ROLL THIS SH*TBOX OF A BUS DOWN THE RAVINE! THEN YOU CAN THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE WHILE YOUR LITTLE HEADS ARE CRACKING AGAINST THE F***ING CEILING! WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR LITTLE BODIES SEVERED BY THE ICE COLD STEEL WALLS OF THIS F***ING BUS?!?

Let's see what Maude packed in my lunch. Oh, it must be Friday! She gave me animal crackers. I love animal crackers. Hello, Mr. Lion! Mind if I bite your head? Ha! Oh, this is great! Mr. Monkey looks like he's mighty tasty! Ooooh, look! They even have circus seals in this box! Oh, I love animal . . .

DO YOU WANT TO DIE? DO YOU WANT TO DIE, LITTLE BOY? JUST TRY THROWING THAT WATER BALLOON AT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH! DID YOU FORGET THAT I'VE HAD A REARVIEW MIRROR AIMED AT YOUR STUPID MUTT FACE THIS WHOLE RIDE?!? AS SOON AS THIS BUS STOPS, I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE!

Wow, what a stress-free day. Just a simple drive through the countryside. Nothing to worry about, no troubles on the horizon. It is a little warm today, though. Maybe I'll crack open a window . . .

NO, I DIDN'T FART, YOU LITTLE JERK! I'M CRACKING THE WINDOW BECAUSE THE FRESH, CLEAN AIR HELPS ME FANTASIZE ABOUT HORSES AND UNICORNS AND A BLOODY WONDERFUL LIFE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE YOU LITTLE ILLIGITMATE ACCIDENTS AROUND IN CIRCLES ALL FREAKING DAY! I'M OPENING THE WINDOW BECAUSE IT'S A GLORIOUS DAY OUTSIDE; A GLORIUS DAY TO KILL YOU! KILL! YOU! KILL YOU! I WILL F***ING KILL YOU!