Hi, come in, have a seat. I see your agent recommended you for a role in our film, but I have to say, I'm concerned about your look. Here in Hollywood, we favor women with a certain kind of figure, one that you don't seem to have. It's nothing personal, we just cast roles based on who looks right for the part, and your weight is obviously an issue.
Look, I don't want to jerk you around, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. You need to gain at least 10 or 15 pounds to be attractive. No, I'm not joking. You're a skinny little tramp and it bores the shit out of me.
I could walk outside right now, spit into the air, and hit three bitches just like you. I'm not trying to be mean, just constructive. Sure, you're hot, but what girl in Hollywood isn't? This town is so crammed full of hot blondes that being one actually works against you. You can pee out the window of a moving bus and soak 20 blondes willing to show their tits in a student horror film. Gas stations give away a blonde when you buy 10 gallons of super unleaded and a hot dog.
I know it's difficult to listen to criticism about your appearance, but it's for your own good. Your shiny hair looks the same as everyone else's. Your trendy clothes look the same as everyone else's. Your quiet and adorable "girl next door" persona is just like everyone else's. I'm sorry, dear, but you're going to have to show some personality to get noticed. Pick up a book and start reading, skank.
Please don't cry. You weigh 80 pounds. If you cry for five minutes, you're gonna pass out.
Look, there's a lot of ways you can get noticed without fellating a dozen guys old enough to be your father. For instance, try doing theater. Unlike movies and TV, theater productions have a lot of small, powerful roles that allow actresses to showcase their range.
Theater. Y'know, plays? They're like movies, except you perform live on a stage each time. Yeah, it does sound hard, that's what makes it impressive. It actually requires you to have discipline. No, it's not just "an icky New York thing". There's theaters out here as well. If you cancel your subscription to U.S. Weekly and pick up a magazine with actual words in it . . . never mind.
Look, just let me see your resume. Maybe I can hide you in the back as an extra. Okay . . . your ex-boyfriend uploaded a home video of you to Fark.com, and everyone saw you in the shower . . . okay, that's inappropriate for a resume. Let's see what else . . . um, why did you put a link to your MySpace page on your resume? Acting is an actual profession, y'know. You're formally applying for a job, you jackass.
You know what? I'll make you a deal. Name one book you've read, and I'll give you a role in this film. Better yet, tell me one thing you're passionate about that has no connection whatsoever to acting. Not interested? I don't say this often, but you're the first person I've met who actually deserves it. You need to go back to whatever backwards-ass town you came from and learn how to act like a professional. This is a business, and we don't hire retards.
Explanation
| Most columns I write - even the absurd ones - are based off a personal experience or something that's happening in my life at the time. As a new feature for this site, each column I write will include a short explanation of how I came up with the idea.
After reading an angst-filled post from a girl I went to college with who is getting frustrated out here, I thought it'd be fun to imagine how an audition would go if I were doing the casting. |
