Violent crime increased 14 billion percent in Paul Ryan's apartment this month, posting its biggest one-month increase since January 2001. The city as a whole saw violent crime drop, leaving officials baffled as to why the 27-year-old's apartment has seen such a major increase.
"Actually, I don't really care," said mayor Frank Wiggins. "Whoever said I was baffled is a fucking asshole. You hear me, quote man? FUCKING ASSHOLE."
Homicides in Ryan's apartment jumped from six in April to 17 in May, a 14 billion percent increase, according to a drunk woman who sleeps in the lobby of Ryan's building. Rapes remained steady at a baker's dozen, but non-lethal beatings - especially ones involving Ryan's enormous cock - increased by almost 70%.
"It's almost like he just lures random people into his apartment and beats them with his enormous cock," said Sergeant Todd Worrell of the LAPD. "Wait a second. How were we even able to attain a statistic like that? And why did we have some drunk bitch in his lobby calculate the percentage?"
No one knows why Ryan began killing and injuring people with his enormous cock. Some experts say the California sun has increased the size of his enormous cock by eight glorious inches, while other experts say the first experts are "fucking stupid".
The last time Ryan's apartment saw an increase this large was in 2001, when the Minnesota Vikings lost the NFC championship game 41-0 to the New York Giants. Ryan became so enraged that he killed 17 elderly women, injured 31 unsuspecting Lutherans, molested three children, and shoved a poodle into his buttocks before firing it across the city like a cannonball.
Some criminal justice experts wearing impressive clothing said the statistics reflect the nation's inability to fight crime in Paul Ryan's apartment.
"My suit is made from the corpse of Jesus Christ!" said the expert. "And I love gin!"
Police chief Francisco Liriano said more people appear to be settling disputes with their enormous cocks. Police are investigating why this fad is so popular, and also why Ryan hasn't been arrested after committing 23 murders in two months.
"The quality of our police work goes in spurts," said Liriano. "If I eat a really big lunch, I'm totally fucked for the rest of the day. I get all sleepy and sluggish, and there's nothing that will get my energy back up. I've tried drinking soda, taking brisk walks, and even masturbating furiously in my office. None of it works."
Poop Wilson, director of the U.S. Justice Department's Bureau of Non-Hilarious Statistics, said Liriano is a dirty asshole licker who doesn't realize how pointless crime statistics can be. Wilson cautioned that it is not yet clear whether the numbers for Paul Ryan's apartment reflect an actual increase or just ordinary year-to-year variations that statisticians call "static noise."
"Crime rates in Ryan's apartment have gone down steadily enough over the last 10 years that it's unreasonable to expect the crime rate to keep going down," said Wilson.
"Um . . . fuck him?" countered Liriano. "Poop Wilson is a well-known homosexual."
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