You know, the whole point of underpants is to add a layer of protection. Those things you're wearing hardly protect anything.
When I was your age, people didn't naturally have dimples. We had to make our own with scissors!
B-a-n-a-n-a-s, bananas? Why the dickens would you put that in a song?
Movies today are terrible! Dildo this and dildo that! Everybody's a dildo, and I don't get it.
Your mother had an ass like a gazelle.
James Bond used to look like a real man. This new one looks like a Kraut who shaves his chest too much.
You're lucky your mother is dead. She woulda beat you good for that remark. You should get down on your knees and thank the Lord above that your mother is dead!
What did you say? Who's tough? 50 Cent? Who's that? A rapper? Bah! Chuck Berry coulda killed him with a look.
Where do you keep medicine for people who have the trots?
If I had my druthers, I'd go to town and . . . wha? Whaddya mean you don't know what druthers are? I . . . I don't know what they are either.
Want to know how the word "bikini" came about? When bikinis were first released, a man's reaction to them was like an atomic bomb! A year prior to their release, the Marshall Islands were used for the atomic bomb test, more commonly referred to as the "Bikini Island Bomb Tests." Since that whorish swimsuit created the same earth shattering reactions, it was named the bikini. What? Don't call me a liar, you son of a bitch! (Editor's note: Make sure to yell the entirety at the top of your lungs.)
I'm the Earl of Sandwich! I invented roast beef! I get roast beef sandwiches for free wherever I want!
Damn it! I said I want to be buried with a rope in the coffin, attached to a bell on the headstone, and that's final! What's so crazy about that?! What if you bury me and I'm still alive?! How else ya gonna know?
Listen here, young man. I'm from Minnesota, and we invented "the wave", so show some respect. The wave? Y'know, at sporting events? It is not stupid!
How come when I sing, everybody tells me to shut up?
Lawrence Welk once had to work for the Honolulu Fruit Gum Orchestra, so you'll do just fine at Kmart, sonny.
The act of creating a baby is a beautiful thing. All sorts of unborn children burst forth from my loins, racing to be first to an egg hidden inside a vagina. It's like Easter, but better!
Tony Bennett used to sing so seductively, women's brassieres would come unhitched on their own! An entire arena filled with brassieres flying every which way! You're laughing now, but you wouldn't be laughing if one of the hooks caught you in the eye.
There's a time for tailgating, and it ain't in the church parking lot before mass.
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