There's a time in every man's life when he must check his e-mail. For me, that time comes roughly 47 times per day. I always check with the hope I'll get angry/bizarre/inappropriate/poorly spelled/wrongfully complimentary letters to reprint here. I'm usually successful.
Our first e-mail, from Amanda and Ashley in the Treasure Coast area of Florida, falls under the "inappropriate" category. Not that I mind. The letter references this column.
hey sexy, were a couple of teenage girls like the one u saw at the mall, who now has to live with the lemurs. (very funny by the way). Except i believe that we are slightly older, perhaps almost legal. wink wink. . .Much love big daddy,
Amanda
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Dear Sir,
My friend is a crackwhore, but its all good in the hood. You are pretty awesome. And oriental? Just a thought. They make good food.....but not as good as Jewish people do. What can I say, I'm a bagel person. If you aren't disturbed or annoyed by this point, it was a mistake to email you.Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat nightcrawler of Truth.
Ashley
Almost legal? Big daddy? Crackwhore? Big fat nightcrawler of truth? Almost legal? These are my dream girls. If anyone wants me, I'll be hiding outside their homes, waiting patiently for them to turn 18, just like my great grandfather did with Shirley Temple.
Sadly, I'm not Oriental. Not yet anyway, but I am saving up for a pimped-out Honda Civic and a Bubble Tea machine.
Our second e-mail, from Courtney Yake in London, Ontario, Canada, falls into the wrongfully complimentary category.
I love reading your stuff, it reminds me that I'm not the only one desprate for money and bored out of there skull while eating Kraft Dinner in their underwear at 2 in the morning.
You can afford underwear? You fucking socialite.
Our third letter, from Paul Newton in Denver, CO, falls into the poorly spelled category. This second Paul enjoyed my creepy haircut column.
Just thought I would e-mail another paul. Liked the Hair Cut bit.. Pressty cool.
The word "pressty" should be immediately added to everyone's vocabulary. Paul #2 also sent me a link to his MySpace page. Look at this picture of him.
That's a man who drinks Dickel whiskey and then punches old ladies in the crotch for sport. This proves my theory that 90% of people named Paul are cool. Think about it: Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, Paul Westerberg, Paul Revere, Paul Harvey, Paul Oakenfold, Paul Newman, Paul Giamatti, and . . . um, Paul of Russia? I don't know. I'm too lazy to read his entire profile.
Our final e-mail, from Hans in Bamenda Cameroon, falls into the bizarre category. The subject of his e-mail was "pls send me porn notification", and I have no idea what he's talking about.
i saw the part of janets boobs & i loved it,so pls send me more.
While a Daily Ramblings porn notification would indeed be a pressty awesome (Thanks Paul #2!) feature for this site, I'm afraid I have no desire to find porn for other people in addition to myself. Masturbation and charity usually don't mix. I know from experience.
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